


interviews with some vampires

by dykeula



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Human/Vampire Relationship, Lore - Freeform, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other types of vampires, Season/Series 02, Succubi & Incubi, Vampires, extension of the wwdits universe, give guillermo a (supernatural) boyfriend 2k20, ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24442183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykeula/pseuds/dykeula
Summary: While scouting for some virginal victims for his Master, Guillermo stumbles headfirst into a "friendship". What he doesn't know though, is that his new buddy isn't exactly normal either, and has less than pure intentions towards him.Nandor is worried - and not only because said stranger keeps stealing all of Guillermo's time.
Relationships: Guillermo & Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV), Guillermo (What We Do in the Shadows TV)/Original Character(s), Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 73
Kudos: 147





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively titled: The Increasingly Aggressive Courtship Of Guillermo De La Cruz  
> I wanted to write this since the s1 hiatus. Sometimes a mockumentary about vampires sucker punches my depression & writer's block into oblivion. Written in script format because I ... Just cuz.  
> I'm following the tradition of "every supernatural being guillermo meets has the hots for him".

**GUILLERMO:** (surprised as the camera rounds on him putting on his coat) Oh, it’s you. Look, you guys, I can’t talk right now. I’ve – Well, I’ve got a date. (stuttering) I, I mean, I’ve got a meeting. An appointment. With a friend, platonic. (checking his watch nervously) Think I might already be late, actually

 **NANDOR:** (loudly, from somewhere in the apartment) GUUUUIIILLEEERMMMOO

 **GUILLERMO:** (looking into the camera exasperatedly) (whispering) It’s supposed to be my day off…

 **NANDOR:** (louder this time) GUILLERMO, where are you?? It’s an emergency!

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) Of course, Master…

[Resigned to his fate, he turns back around and walks into his Master’s chambers with quick steps. Nandor is standing in front of his mirror, furiously trying to look at his reflection.]

 **GUILLERMO:** You called, Master?

 **NANDOR:** (giving him the side-eye) I _screamed_ , Guillermo! I almost lost my voice! You should clean your ears.

 **GUILLERMO:** Yes, Mas-

 **NANDOR:** (cutting him off) Anyway, look at this. (pointing towards his chest) I have found a betrayal from centuries ago!

 **GUILLERMO:** I – (looking towards the camera crew) I can’t see anything.

 **NANDOR:** (starting to undress his coat) Can’t you see? It’s there, right there! It’s grotesque!

 **GUILLERMO:** (blushing slightly) Master, I don’t think – You know I have – (looking more closely) Wait, is that …?

 **NANDOR:** (hysterical) It’s doodoo! There’s a poopoo stain on my favorite dress shirt! Guillermo, how _could_ you –

 **GUILLERMO:** (tentatively walking closer) I don’t, I don’t think that’s actually – Wait, that’s blood. Must be. Just really, really old blood. (inspecting the stain again) Jep, it’s definitely just a bloodstain, that’s all. Barely noticeable.

 **NANDOR:** (distressed) Well, it’s noticeable to _me_! How is it going to look to people I want to eat if I’ve got somebody else’s _blood_ on my dress shirt? My favorite dress shirt?? Should they think that I’m unhygienic?

 **GUILLERMO:** (soothingly, like with a child) Of course not, Master.

 **NANDOR:** It’s embarrassing! Take care of it. At once.

 **GUILLERMO:** R-Right now…? Sir, I have – I mean, I … (sighing) (more firmly, with a small hint of fear to it) I can’t. Not right now. It’s going to have to wait until the morning.

 **NANDOR:** (offended) Why not?

 **GUILLERMO:** It’s my day off. Or well, night. I’m taking it.

 **NANDOR:** (completely oblivious) But you don’t have a life! What would you do, outside? Do boring, uneventful human activities? Taxes??

 **GUILLERMO:** (strained) I do have a life outside this house, Na- Master. You just don’t see it. I have friends.

 **NANDOR:** You look red Guillermo, what is it? Are you embarrassed?

 **GUILLERMO:** (red with barely contained anger) I’m not embarrassed. I just have somewhere to be. I’m running late.

 **NANDOR:** (sudden interest) Oh, do you have a rendezvous? (wiggling his eyebrows suggestively) Will you, uhh… ‘Ratflix and chill’?

[Nandor pronounces the French word like Randy Woos.]

 **GUILLERMO:** It’s Netflix and no, I don’t have a. I mean, I do, but it’s – it’s not. It’s more of a meeting, not a da – (sighing) You know what, never mind. As I said, I’m late. So this (pointing towards Nandor’s chest as he walks away slowly) will be taken care of in the morning.

 **NANDOR:** Hmmm, alright, alright. (yelling after him) But if it’s not done by tomorrow evening, that’s another year I’m adding onto your waiting list of becoming a vampire! Right on my list. See, Guillermo, I’ve even got a list of it all!

 **GUILLERMO:** (mumbling as he hurriedly walks towards the front door, adjusting and readjusting his hair) Fine. Goodbye, Master. I’ll be back in a few hours.

 **NANDOR:** (slightly annoyed at being left alone) Hmmm, fine. One year! Remember that!

 **GUILLERMO:** I will! (closes the door)

* * *

[Guillermo is seen furiously power walking in the snow, trying to catch a bus, his breath is visible in the night. He’s intent on being on time to this – meeting. Every few steps, he readjusts his hair again. At this point all it does is making it worse.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (just now noticing the camera) What – Oh. Oh, you (panting) you must be wondering who I’m meeting. Well. (laughing nervously) Let’s just say I’ve made a friend a few months ago, while I was. Uhh, wait a second – Wait up!

[He’s signaling the bus driver, who mercifully opens the door for him. Neither the driver nor the other passengers look amused. Guillermo flashes his bus card frantically. Guillermo tries to make his way towards the rear end of the bus, bumping into grumpy strangers now and again.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (talking to the camera) While I was looking for virgins –

[An elderly lady gives him a very stern look. She heard that and is judging him severely.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (hushed) S-Sorry… (hurriedly sits down in the very back, exhaling) (more quietly to the camera crew) While I was looking for virgins for my Master, I went to this ‘One Piece Addicts Anonymous’ meeting a while back. And that’s where we met.

* * *

[A short flashback signaled by a “TWO MONTHS BEFORE” sign. Guillermo and a bunch of other people are sitting in a circle in somebody’s basement, while one person in the front is speaking. Behind him, the “ONE PIECE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS” sign, with the ‘addicts’ scratched out to say “DIE HARDS”]

 **SPEAKER:** Anyway, I just hate the way that these – that these _girls_ have infiltrated fandom. It’s like, we all know you’re just here to find a hot guy who’s into Anime, you _obviously_ don’t know or care about the deep metaphors in Luffy’s Gomu Gomu no Muchi attack, or the social commentary in Nami’s double F cups –

 **PERSON NEXT TO GUILLERMO:** (snickers) Fucking incel virgin. No wonder you’re not getting any.

[The person next to Guillermo is a man in his early 30’s, dark-ish skin with soft, round locks framing his face. He’s wearing the most boring, underwhelming all-black outfit ensemble, legs and arms crossed in annoyance. He sounds amused, though. Guillermo, who was the only one who heard that comment, starts laughing softly. The guy catches his reaction, smiling in return, and continues.]

 **GUY:** (a little bolder, obviously trying to impress Guillermo) It’s like, we get it, you clearly never had to think about your societal standing in the world and your inherent privileges, _jeez_ – read some feminist theory, dude. Stop blaming the female gender for your performance issues, (looking towards Guillermo) right?

 **GUILLERMO:** (smiling) You’re new, aren’t you?

 **GUY:** So are you.

 **GUILLERMO:** Yes, well. That doesn’t mean I don’t know Dave.

 **GUY:** (uncrossing his arms) Hmmm? You mean Mr. Misogyny has a name?

 **GUILLERMO:** (shrugging slightly) He’s the mod on several Shōnen forums.

 **GUY:** (sighing dramatically) God, what a fucking loser. I bet his weekly fights with strangers online are the highlight of his week. His mom must be _exhausted_. (looking at Guillermo sideways, it’s very obvious he’s checking him out) You don’t look like you belong in here, dude.

 **GUILLERMO:** (nervously stuttering) Wh-What, l-like I, I don’t… love One Piece?? I, I mean, I like it. I _love_ it. Spend my whole night and day thinking about it. (giving the guy a suspicious look) You _also_ don’t look like you belong here.

[It almost sounds to the audience as if these guys are slyly trying to ask each other if they’re virgins. The suspicion is raised on both sides.]

 **GUY:** Oh, I _adore_ One Piece. I live, I breathe for… For it.

 **GUILLERMO:** What’s your favorite part?

 **GUY:** Of… Of One Piece? (nervous chuckling) Oh man, how to pick… There’s just so many. But I – I love it when they… when they find the piece.

 **GUILLERMO:** The piece?

 **GUY:** Yeah… the piece. You know… from the, the map. That singular piece of map. That one piece. What’s yours?

 **GUILLERMO:** (contemplating) Yes, that is a good one. Very… anticlimactic. But my favorite part is, has to be, when – (he’s struggling for words) When they’re on sea.

 **GUY:** When they’re on sea?

 **GUILLERMO:** Yeah, cause they’re pirates.

 **GUY:** (loudly, as if Guillermo just said some profound revelation or intellectual think piece) Aaaaah! Yes! Agreed. Glad we cleared that up.

 **GUILLERMO:** Me too.

[They’re both bullshitting. It seems that neither of them has watched, let alone read a single page or minute of any Anime or Manga. They’re both too blissfully unaware to notice the other’s bluff, though.]

[Dave has stopped speaking in between their little chatter, obviously annoyed at being interrupted like this. The whole group is watching them curiously.]

 **DAVE:** (annoying pushing up his glasses) Ummm, yes? Would the newbies care to comment?

[Guillermo immediately flustered, starts going red at being called out publicly like this. He just furiously shakes his head. The man next to him, on the other hand, looks at Guillermo fumbling and mumbling, and decides to stand up from his uncomfortable folding chair.]

 **GUY:** (quietly to Guillermo) Hey, you wanna see how to really piss someone off in these circles? (looking up at Dave defiantly) (loudly) Yeah, I’d like to comment. I think you’re full of shit. Nami is _obviously_ a double D-

[There’s shocked, even angry, gasps from the crowd.]

 **GUY:** (even bolder this time) And I think – No, I _know_ , that Luffy is gay.

[Louder gasps this time. Some people have even started standing up as well.]

 **GUY:** And Nami’s a lesbian, so-

[A fevered discussion breaks out, it’s almost as if a civil war has been declared. The word ‘straight asexual’ gets thrown around a lot. Guillermo just looks to the camera crew in confusion.]

* * *

[Back to the present, we see Guillermo making his way towards a diner somewhere in the city. He’s still doing that, ‘fixing’ his hair. At this point it looks atrocious.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Ever since then, we’ve been sort of – well, not sort of – we’ve been meeting. Just talking. It’s nice. It’s like, like having a friend. He is _obviously_ a virgin (laughing) I, I mean, I know it’s hard to believe with his looks, but - (catching himself) Never mind. Damien’s a friend. (more somber) A friend that I’m trying to befriend so I can sacrifice him to my murderous master. A friend that will die… A … (blinking, on the verge of having a panic attack) Oh god, what am I doing, what am I-

[As if summoned the same guy from before, in the exact same mundane color scheme, appears behind Guillermo and taps him on the shoulder. He’s grinning.]

 **DAMIEN:** Hey, ‘mo! Long time no see. Were you waiting for me out here?

 **GUILLERMO:** (trying to catch himself) Damien, hey…

 **DAMIEN:** And you brought your little documentary crew as well, cool!

[He walks towards the camera in interest, being a hair’s breadth away from the lens, breathing on it obnoxiously.]

 **GUILLERMO:** D-Don’t-

 **DAMIEN:** What you guys shooting again?

 **GUILLERMO:** (quickly) Student film. Let’s go inside, okay-

 **DAMIEN:** About what? (pointing towards himself) Little ol’ me?

 **GUILLERMO:** Just… stuff. Boring, stuff. Daily lives.

 **DAMIEN:** Ah. Should we go inside? I’ve been dying for you to taste the waffles they make in here.

 **GUILLERMO:** (uncomfortable) Heh, I’m – I’m sure. Let’s go. You (looking at the camera crew) You can stay here if you’d like.

 **DAMIEN:** You sure? I mean, it’s kind of cold outsi-

 **GUILLERMO:** (cutting him off) Yes, I’m sure. It’s fine. They don’t mind. Just, just pretend they don’t exist. Right?

[He’s giving the camera a Look, one that says, ‘I am on a date and nervous enough as it is, so please don’t try to screw this up further for me’. The crew relents, lowering the lens to showcase footsteps in the snow.]

* * *

[The next scene is a small interview, clearly shot earlier, of Nandor. He’s sitting in his chamber.]

 **NANDOR:** I’m- Don’t tell him this, but I’m worried about Guillermo. He’s been out so much these days, always running around, like a rat. He is suddenly too busy to even brush his master’s hair in the evening, I mean who- (stopping himself) It’s his day off. I would ask him where he is going but then again, I don’t care. He can go rat flexing for all I care, as long as he doesn’t bring it here to the house. That would be bad.

[Nandor contemplates this for a minute and it’s obvious he’s more interested and/or concerned than he’s trying to show. He looks to the camera crew.]

 **NANDOR:** I hope he’s not in a _gang_. Uhhh, yuck. I hate gangs. The fashion. I don’t think a leather jacket would suit Guillermo.

* * *

[After their little not-date, Guillermo has allowed the crew to tail them on their walk. It’s stilted, awkward conversation as they walk side by side, hands in their pockets, barely touching. We get the impression that’s not because of the cameras, though. These guys are both nervous wrecks suddenly.]

 **DAMIEN:** (breaking the silence) Oh, hey. I got you something, by the way.

 **GUILLERMO:** (stopping in his tracks) You what?

 **DAMIEN:** (shyly, searching in his pockets for something) Yeah, it’s nothing special, but I – (blushing slightly, though it’s not noticeable in the dark) I saw it and thought of you. Just a little something. Just let me… (furiously searching in his jean pockets) Damn it, where’d it go…

[Guillermo looks towards the camera crew in confusion, just as Damien yells out in triumph.]

 **DAMIEN:** (dangling something from his middle finger) There it is! Now, as I said, it’s not much –

 **GUILLERMO:** Damien, it’s fine, you don’t have to –

[Damien, however, starts gingerly taking Guillermo’s hand, stopping him dead in his tracks. Guillermo goes rigid in the dark.]

 **DAMIEN:** I want to, though. I like you, dude. Why wouldn’t I buy you this?

 **GUILLERMO:** Buy me what?

[Damien, insanely proud of himself, lets go of his hand.]

 **DAMIEN:** Why don’t you look for yourself?

 **GUILLERMO:** (looking back towards the camera, then at his palm, then back at Damien) It’s…

 **DAMIEN:** Jup.

 **GUILLERMO & DAMIEN:** (together) A Dracula keychain.

[Guillermo is stunned, not having expected a present at all.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Wow, that’s…

 **DAMIEN:** I know! I just thought, since, you know, I know you like them. (imitating fangs and hissing) Those little suckers. Vampiresssss. And then I saw this while shopping at Wal – you know what, never mind. Point is, I saw it and I thought of you. So I bought it.

 **GUILLERMO:** (clearly still struggling) You bought it.

 **DAMIEN:** I sure did. I figured, hey, it’s the OG, you know, vampire, so –

 **GUILLERMO:** That… That’s…

 **DAMIEN:** (in a sort of ‘duh’ way) Dracula, I know.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) No, it’s… Abraham Van Helsing. He’s not- (laughing sadly) He’s a vampire slayer. In the story, I mean. He _kills_ Dracula.

 **DAMIEN:** Oh. (trying to save face) Well, I mean… That’s more badass, either way.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sad, clearly thinking of his lineage) Is it?

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, dude. Come on, a human? Defeating a vampire? With just his wits and some iron stakes? That’s _badass_. What a fucking icon. He must be _ripped_.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blushing) (mumbling) Well, I have been working out… him. _He’s_ been working out. In the story. Because he is a fictional character.

 **DAMIEN:** (whistling) Fictional or not, I’d invite _him_ out for a beer any time. Dracula? Not so much.

 **GUILLERMO:** (warmly) Really?

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, Dracula’s looking _crusty_ in the movie. And he doesn’t drink. Beer.

 **GUILLERMO:** (thinking of Nandor) Well, he… He has been a little paler than usual.

 **DAMIEN:** (laughing warmly) See?

 **GUILLERMO:** Yeah… (tucking the keychain away and into his pocket) Anyway, thank you. That means a lot. Really. No one’s ever –

 **DAMIEN:** Gotten you a keychain before?

 **GUILLERMO:** Well, no.

 **DAMIEN:** (incredulously) Not even the people you live with? Your roommates?

 **GUILLERMO:** (snorting) I don’t even think they know my birthday. I’m not even sure they’re aware that I even _have_ a birthday. They try, in their own way.

 **DAMIEN:** Damn, that sucks. You deserve better.

[Guillermo makes a vague hand gesture that seems to convey “eeeeeh, it’s fine”. They continue on their stroll through the park. For a while no words are exchanged and again that heavy silence settles over them. At least one of them is harboring a secret, and it’s unclear to the camera crew who it is.]

[Damien makes them stop at a softly glowing streetlight after a while.]

 **DAMIEN:** (suddenly very nervous) Hey, there’s… there’s something I gotta tell you.

 **GUILLERMO:** Hmmm?

 **DAMIEN:** You know, I – (exhales) I like you.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blushing) Oh, I mean, I guess. I like you, too? But what is –

 **DAMIEN:** No, I mean I _really_ like you.

 **GUILLERMO:** (stunned) Oh.

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah. And I don’t wanna lie to you. At least not any longer. (laughing slightly) You know first thing I gotta confess to is that I went to that meeting solely so I could find me a virgin. You know, sorta like a hunting ground.

[Guillermo’s eyes open comically as he gasps out an “Oh my god”. He’s clearly thinking of the V card, the other one.]

 **DAMIEN:** But then the more time I spent with you the more I liked you, and the more I … Well, I guess it goes without saying that I don’t think you’re a virgin anymore. I mean, look at you (gesturing towards Guillermo’s button-up x sweater combo)

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, uh… Thanks? I, I also thought you. You were a virgin. (shyly) I guess I was hunting as well.

 **DAMIEN:** (gasping) No way, you too? Wow! Hah! (exclaims incredulously) I mean, what are the odds, right? Right. Well, I’m not. And I’m sorry, but I have to ask, are you…?

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) Oh. _Oh_. No, no. I, I mean, I – It’s, it’s been a while –

 **DAMIEN:** (interrupting him) Hmm. That’s what I thought. (shrugging) Meh, whatever. Never really got the whole deal my kind makes about virgins, anyway. Always seemed kinda sexist.

[Guillermo is visibly perking up.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Your… Your kind?

 **DAMIEN:** Oh shit. Heh. Yeah, yeah. Guess there’s no use in denying it now, but Guillermo I’m a –

 **GUILLERMO:** (gasping loudly, all excited) Oh my god! You’re a vampire?

[Damien falls silent.]

 **DAMIEN:** Uhhh…

 **DAMIEN:** (wincing) Kind of?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An age-old question is answered. Guillermo gets wooed. Colin Robinson is not doing so well.

[It’s a couple weeks later. Guillermo is seen sitting on his bed uncomfortably. He is deep in thought.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (looking up) So, Damien’s a succubus. _Not_ what I was expecting. Heh. (laughing awkwardly) Not at all…

* * *

[There’s a flashback signaled by a ‘ONE WEEK AGO’ sign. We’re back in that park, snow collecting on Guillermo’s and Damien’s shoulders. The atmosphere is strained. Damien has just come out of the closet.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I don’t understand, you’re a –

 **DAMIEN:** A succubus, yeah.

 **GUILLERMO:** A suck… Suck…

 **DAMIEN:** (sighing) Succubus.

 **GUILLERMO:** You mean you’re a s- a suc- (shaking his head) A sex vampire?

 **DAMIEN:** (shrugging lightly) I guess? I mean, it’s how I feed. I’m just a little different from any other boring vampire.

 **GUILLERMO:** (judging) Right, except your feeding has a whole lot more juices and orgies involved.

[Damien gasps dramatically. He’s obviously hurt by that comment.]

 **DAMIEN:** (louder) You know, that is _such_ a stereotype! Wow! Of all people, I never took _you_ for a racist! After all, you live with vampires.

[Guillermo winces, immediately backpedaling.]

 **GUILLERMO:** No, I mean – Isn’t it?

 **DAMIEN:** (shaking his head) That’s why we need to unionize… Fuck’s sake. It’s like the few bad representation we’ve got in media has rotted everyone’s brain. I barely even get invited to any annual vampire parties, _let alone_ the orgies. It’s like everyone thinks we’re sex-crazed maniacs or something…

 **GUILLERMO:** Aren’t you?

 **DAMIEN:** _No._ (quieter) I mean, not really. I guess? But, you know, not all succubi are like that. We also don’t steal anyone’s semen, at least not anymore – witches do that. We’re not witches. We just… Have an unconventional way of feeding.

[Guillermo starts relaxing slightly as if this conversation is slowly starting to grow less bizarre.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh. Okay…

 **DAMIEN:** (exhales) Thanks. You know, there are a lot of us who feel pressured by society’s expectations on what we should look like. White, female, smoking hot body. But tv shows and movies only portray so much. You know, last year, we had our first international asexual succubus meeting. Even got a flag and everything.

[Damien sounds pleased. Guillermo just looks confused.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Wow.

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, it’s like, yeah, we’re succubi, yeah, we’re socially anxious and struggle with meeting people. We exist! I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in my teens and I didn’t even feel safe enough to out myself to my therapist – didn’t want her to get the wrong impression of me, you know? And I didn’t come out as gay, either. My mom threw a _fit_ when she found out.

 **GUILLERMO:** (struggling to catch up) Your mother threw a fit cause you’re a vampire?

 **DAMIEN:** (shaking his head) No, no, it’s hereditary. My entire family’s like that. They got all prissy cause I went and came out of the closet. (scoffs) My mother was all (imitating a New Zealand accent) ‘Fuck’s sake, son, can’t you just be normal like the rest of us and be bisexual?? You’re embarrassing us!’ You know, as she was sitting on my father – who didn’t even say anything, by the way, not that he could in that position, but _still!_ For democrats, they can be pretty damn conservative. (whistling) You shoulda seen their faces when my aunt came out as heterosexual. There’s a reason she’s no longer invited to Christmas, it’s kinda sad.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) Wow.

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah.

 **GUILLERMO:** Well, I … I guess I can relate. Sort of. Not really. A little?

[Damien is drawing closer towards him. Guillermo is visibly uncomfortable, looking towards the camera.]

 **DAMIEN:** (warmly) You can?

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, uh, umm. Sure. S-So you’re a-

 **DAMIEN:** Succubus, yeah. I’m a succubus. And I’m gay. (thinking about it) Oh, and I’m monogamous.

[Guillermo makes a high pitched “HMM” sound.]

 **DAMIEN:** Hmm, what else… Oh, I’m a Scorpio, if you care about that sort of thing, my parents are from Wellington, I think I might be dyslexic, my favorite color’s black, I’ve got –

 **GUILLERMO:** Al-Alright.

 **DAMIEN:** And …

[He starts walking closer, suspiciously close. Guillermo is hyperventilating even before Damien gingerly touches his arm.]

 **DAMIEN:** Like I said. I like you. A lot. And I’d like us to be more than friends if you know what I mean, which is why I’ve told you all this. (shyly) I haven’t… I like to get to know someone a little before I … (making vague hand gestures)

 **GUILLERMO:** Before you…?

 **DAMIEN:** (coughs) Before I … you know. Feed.

 **GUILLERMO:** (going red as a tomato) _Oh, Jesus…_

 **DAMIEN:** (perking up) Oh, that. I’m an atheist too, you know. Hope that’s not a problem.

 **GUILLERMO:** Dios mio.

* * *

[We’re back in Guillermo’s bedroom. He looks conflicted.]

 **GUILLERMO:** So, yeah. _Obviously,_ I turned him down. I mean, I (laugh-snorting nervously) I, I can’t just – I, I’m. I can’t just – on _TV_ … _!_ Or… Film. Whatever.

[He stops for a minute, trying to compose himself.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) I did it respectfully, though. You know. With grace.

* * *

[Flashback to a week earlier and Guillermo once again back to hyperventilating. Damien just looks on patiently.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Y-You, you, yo-ou w-w-want – I, I, I, I mean, you – Me? B-But I, but you, b-but… I, I, I don’t, I (high pitched exhale) I have to go.

 **DAMIEN:** (deflating visibly) Oh… Okay. Well, just… think about it, okay, dude?

 **GUILLERMO:** Y-Y-Yeah, d-d-dude… I, I j-just.

[Guillermo cuts himself off & starts dashing towards where the camera crew is standing, powerwalking – almost running – towards them. He mouths a quick _“WHAT THE FUCK”_ at the camera.]

* * *

**GUILLERMO:** Heh, yeah, so suffice it to say, I will _not_ be meeting Damien again. After he, he came out as a non-virgin, I don’t really have any more interest in him, right? Cause that’s all that was. Scouting victims for my Master. (strained smile) Whom I love to serve.

 **NANDOR:** (from somewhere in the house) GUILLERMO, it’s gone back to sleep again!

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) It’s not. (to the camera) I’ve put on a slide show of paintings of medieval Iran for him. To remind him of his home. It’s-

 **NANDOR:** _Guillermo!_

[Guillermo exhales loudly in a sort of ‘ah shit, here we go again’ gesture as he stands up. The camera clicks off.]

* * *

[Nandor is sitting in the living room, dressed in his usual assortments of various flowy garments. His hair is in a bun, though, that’s different. There’s a semi-old laptop sitting atop his lap, with Nandor furiously tapping the keyboard to make it go on again.]

 **Nandor:** Arise, arise, a- Oh, this fucking thing.

[Guillermo enters the scene.]

 **Nandor:** Ah, Guillermo, finally! This lapped top won’t adhere to my demands. (darkly) Guillermo, stab this machine.

 **GUILLERMO:** (mumbling) Please don’t, I don’t have any insurance for that.

[Guillermo sits next to him, again with a safe distance between them. He crouches forward and touches the keyboard while Nandor watches him intently. It springs back to life.]

 **GUILLERMO:** See?

 **NANDOR:** Ah. Hmm. (exclaiming excitedly) Oh, Guillermo, look at those camels! Look at them!

 **GUILLERMO:** (fondly) I sure am, Master.

 **NANDOR:** Aren’t they just wonderful? Oh, and their toes… (wistfully) They remind me of John.

[Guillermo resolutely stays quiet, even when Nandor starts giving him sideways glances. There’s something in the air.]

 **NANDOR:** Guillermo?

 **GUILLERMO:** Hmm?

 **NANDOR:** Are you – Are you alright? (catching himself) I only ask because I heard you hurriedly returning home last night, all (imitating stomping feet with his hands) Stomp, stomp, stomp, like a horse. Very loud. It woke me up from my slumber. Were you running away from someone?

 **GUILLERMO:** Hmm – Oh, _oh_ , I’m sorry, Master. (uncomfortable) I was just – I just had to dash to the bathroom.

 **NANDOR:** Do you have your dry shits again, Guillermo?

 **GUILLERMO:** (chancing a glance at the camera) … Yes.

 **NANDOR:** (chastising) Tss, you need to drink more water, Guillermo. What else do we have the water bottles for?

 **GUILLERMO:** (disbelieving) We have water bottles? We don’t even have a fridge besides mine.

 **NANDOR:** (backpedaling) The… the tap water. What else do we have the tap water for?

 **GUILLERMO:** Our tap water’s full of chlorine, Master.

 **NANDOR:** (annoyed) Well, if it’s cursed, why have you not dug a well in the garden yet? Hmm?? See, you’re deflecting. You need to take better care of yourself, Guillermo. And your shits.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) Yes, Sir.

 **NANDOR:** Anyways, I just wanted to say – If you’re tangled up in some sort of gang business, I would have to clear my schedule, but I … (sighing dramatically) I could arrange for you to bring them here so I could eat them. If they bother you.

[Guillermo looks as if he doesn’t comprehend what the hell is happening. Nandor looks extremely concerned suddenly.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (squinting) Why… why would you think I was in a gang?

 **NANDOR:** Well, you’ve been going out so much lately, day and night. And every time you do, you wear one of those shirts you think makes you look more presentable.

 **GUILLERMO:** I-

 **NANDOR:** Shh, don’t try to deny it, it’s alright. You might have been bored.

 **GUILLERMO:** (as if he’s talking to a child) I _told_ you, I have a personal life -

 **NANDOR:** (in the same condescending tone) Yes, which is why I thought “gang”

 **GUILLERMO:** I- You know what? Never mind. No, I’m not in a Gang, so you don’t need to worry about me.

 **NANDOR:** Alright, so what are you doing? You can tell me, you know.

 **GUILLERMO:** (softly, with a lot of sadness and bitterness) Can I, though?

 **NANDOR:** What was that?

 **GUILLERMO:** (shaking his head) Nothing. I’d rather not say.

[Nandor is visibly hurt by this, to everyone’s surprise.]

 **NANDOR:** Oh. Well. Would you like to look at some Persian Wild Asses with me on this (taps laptop lightly) robot? Laszlo and Nadja are off doing their tour and the house has been awfully quiet.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) Persian – _what?_

 **NANDOR:** (in a sort of ‘duh’ way) Persian Wild Asses.

[Nandor clicks on a button, angling the screen away from the camera and towards Guillermo’s horrified but intrigued face as he whispers, “please don’t be nudes please don’t be nudes”. Guillermo exhales visibly.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, they’re donkeys.

 **NANDOR:** Yes, look at their fluffy little ears!

[Nandor is back to being his usual semi-cheerful self.]

 **NANDOR:** This one reminds me of you a little, with its depressed look. (fondly) Adorable, in a pathetic sort of way.

 **GUILLERMO:** (grimacing slightly) It doesn’t – (after closer inspection) Wow. That _does_ look like me, kind of. Huh.

* * *

[In another corner of the house, Colin Robinson is out and about doing his usual chores as energy vampire – clogging phone hotlines and draining the call center agents. There’s a loud yawn coming from the other side of the phone.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Yes, well, but what I’ve been thinking about as well is, you see, whether your paperwork on your company’s CO2 emissions have been updated since the 2016 election and I’d just like to express my concern for –

[He is being interrupted by the doorbell ringing. He looks at the camera crew in mild concern.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Hello?

[Another ring.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (to the phone) I’m going to have to call you back.

 **CALL CENTER AGENT:** Please don’t…

[He hangs up, placing the phone in the pocket of his khaki’s. He almost looks … spooked as he gingerly walks towards the entrance.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** If this is about that comment I made on Twitter last night, yes I know it was racist, bu-but… Ever heard of the First Amendment Rights, buddy?

[There’s a gentle knock on the door. Colin Robinson opens the door to whoever decided to pay them a visit at 11 pm. It’s Damien, standing there on their porch.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh. Oh. Well, hello.

 **DAMIEN:** Hey, dude.

[There’s a short moment where they both scan each other up and down suspiciously, like a sort of energy vampire recognition handshake. They both know that they know that they know about each other, you know? We get the impression untraditional types of vampires can just do that.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (with a hint of interest) I don’t know who you’re here for, but please do come in.

 **DAMIEN:** Thanks, man…

[He tentatively walks into the house, looking all around. With his hands in his pockets like that, he sort of looks like a very boring, mediocre rock star. Colin Robinson trails him like a hawk.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** So, we haven’t gotten a visit like this in quite a while. It’s pretty rare to make Incubus company now, isn’t it?

 **DAMIEN:** Succubus.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Sorry?

 **DAMIEN:** We prefer the term Succubus, contrary to popular belief it’s actually gender-neutral. (wincing) We consider Incubus a slur, you know, cause of the whole ‘sucking on women’s breasts in the dead of night while they’re unconscious’ sexual assault connotation to it. We’ve moved past that now, got it?

[Colin Robinson, seeing his chance at draining a fellow vampire, moves to mindlessly mansplain his way into an argument about terminology and slurs when Damien cuts him off with a wave of his hand.]

 **DAMIEN:** Don’t even try to drain me, dude. I see what you’re doing, and I don’t like it. I’m not on the market.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (chuckling uncomfortably) Sorry, force of habit.

 **DAMIEN:** No worries. It’s cool. (after a minute of pause, a tentative interest) Haven’t met an energy vampire in a while, either. Where do you guys usually hang?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (whistling) Oh, here and there. Wherever there’s printers and office space.

[Damien ‘hmm’s in response.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** I’m guessing your kind frequents a different kind of hunting ground?

 **DAMIEN:** (laughing darkly) Oh, you’d be surprised at how many unfulfilled bosses in need of a dominant you find the further up you go. They taste particularly rejected.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (whistling in appreciation) Oh, I don’t doubt it. Funny that our paths haven’t crossed before. Especially if you’re… you know. Looking to feed.

[It almost sounds as if he’s flirting, painfully awkward to both their visitor and any bystander.]

 **DAMIEN:** Eeeh, I’m more of a ‘One-person exclusive feeding’ kinda guy. Sorry, no offense.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh, none taken. (smacking his hands together excitedly) So, who are you here for? Our local perverts aren’t here right now. Did you meet Nandor?

[Damien makes a face as if he’s swallowed a particularly sour lemon.]

 **DAMIEN:** Eww. Guessing he’s a vampire? A legit one?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (wiggling his eyebrows) His name’s Nandor The Relentless.

[Damien blinks, looks at the camera in obvious judgment.]

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, relentless, yeah, yeah. Not here for that either. I don’t do vampires.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (chuckling awkwardly) W-Why, cause they (snorting) because they taste dead? So little juice left? I’ve been draining these guys no problem. (snort)

 **DAMIEN:** (wincing) No, they’re just…

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Too much stamina? Too acrobatic??

 **DAMIEN:** … Really, really bad in bed. Like, really, really, _really_ bad. Just… (sighing) The _ego_ on those fuckers – pun absolutely intended. And here they strut, thinking their deathly pale genitals are Satan’s gift to sexuality with their Twilight and True Blood propaganda. It’s all fake.

[Colin Robinson looks thoroughly confused.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (perplexed) We’ve had orgies here before. I haven’t heard any complaints.

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, cause only vampires and their kin frequent those. There’s a reason we guys don’t show up to vampire hook up parties – all missionary. Otherwise, we’d just go around turning down horny vampires left and right. (putting his hands up in the air in mock surrender) Hey, all fine by me, dude. They can have their little mediocre orgies no problem, we just have higher standards than that.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh… Well…

[There’s an awkward silence before Colin Robinson manages to wrestle with himself enough to ask the question that’s been on his mind.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** But then, how do you feed? If not with orgies?

 **DAMIEN:** (shrugging) The typical ways, I guess. There’s [SEX POSITION BEEPED OUT TO ALLOW A PG 13 RATING], then there’s [BEEP] where the dude has [BEEP] while I [BEEP] and then we [LONG BEEP]. (contemplating for a minute there) Oh, uhh, there’s also [BEEP] which is kind of time-consuming but gives better energy in the long run. My favorite’s [BEEP] just cause, you know. Right? Right??

[Colin Robinson has been standing next to him, looking more and more perplex. His face looks white – whiter than usual.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Umm…

 **DAMIEN:** (waving him off) Oh, you wouldn’t know! Have you ever drained someone while their [BEEP] was doing [BEEP] with a [LONG BEEP] afterward? That one’s a classic, that one’s a classic! My parents always liked [LONGER BEEP] but I just can’t be bothered to buy the props on Amazon cause I don’t wanna support Bezos, you know?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Uhh… Yes.

 **DAMIEN:** (shrugging) Plus, there’s always oral if all else fails. (looking towards him) Hey dude, you okay? Lookin’ a little pale there.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** I don’t feel so good.

 **DAMIEN:** (faux concern) Awww, man, you wanna lie down or something?

[Colin Robinson keeps blinking, uncomprehending, like a computer screen that’s frozen and keeps rewinding.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Your parents taught you feeding positions?

 **DAMIEN:** What? No, eww! (shuddering) Eww, dude. Not cool. That’s another fucking stereotype as if we don’t have enough to deal with. My family’s perfectly normal, run of the mill types. No, they just forced me to watch porn like any responsible parents would do.

[Colin Robinson hums slightly, clearly still a little shell-shocked.]

 **DAMIEN:** Hey, not that I (coughing) Not that I don’t like chatting with you, I do, don’t get me wrong, but uhh.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Yes?

 **DAMIEN:** Is Guillermo there by chance?

[Colin Robinson is even more confused, doing a double-take.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Guillermo? The human, Guillermo?? Our Guillermo??

 **DAMIEN:** (smacking his lips together) Jep.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Little guy, doesn’t know what to do with his hair? Looks like his mother dressed him?

 **DAMIEN:** (grinning) Oh, yeah.

[Colin Robinson looks a little disgusted at Damien’s enthusiasm. In that exact moment Nandor, accompanied by Guillermo, make their way towards them. Damien perks up considerably when he notices who he was looking for. Meanwhile, Guillermo just goes from shocked to red hot embarrassment when he sees who it is. Nandor is oblivious to their looks, or so he lets on.]

 **NANDOR:** Colin Robinson, what was that whistling?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** It was the door. We’ve got a guest.

 **DAMIEN:** (big smile) Hey.

 **NANDOR:** (squinting) … Hmm, are you here to enact centuries-long vengeance on one of us?

 **DAMIEN:** No.

 **NANDOR:** … Are you one of my former familiars?

 **DAMIEN:** Nope.

 **NANDOR:** … Christian? Slayer?? From city council???

 **DAMIEN:** Hah, fuck no. (craning his neck, grinning) Hey, ‘Mo.

 **NANDOR:** (sort of begrudgingly) Then you’re welcome. I guess.

[Nandor grimaces towards the camera in a sort of ‘What the fuck is this guy’s nerve’ way. Guillermo looks red as a tomato.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (softly) Damien, what are you doing here?

 **NANDOR:** deMON? (hissing)

[Damien, rolling his eyes, remains unbothered by the hostility.]

 **DAMIEN:** It’s Damien, man. It’s Greek, okay? Anyways, I just came to talk to Guillermo. That’s all.

 **NANDOR:** (squinting, looking behind him) Guillermo? My Guillermo?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (mumbling) See, that’s what I said!

 **DAMIEN:** (with an edge of hostility) _Your?_ (mumbling) Big words for someone who’s not even gotten him a keychain.

 **NANDOR:** Why would someone want to talk to Guillermo?

[Guillermo scoffs and takes that moment to walk into the spotlight and lead the conversation. He’s obviously done with this.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (insistent) Damien, I told you I’d call you.

 **DAMIEN:** Yeah, you did. But I … (shyly) I was in the neighborhood, you know? And I wanted to see you. (softer) Missed you. Maybe. Just a little bit. Sue me.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) We can talk outside. Wait for me.

 **DAMIEN:** (smiling) Sure thing.

[Nandor’s face looks like he is currently trying to solve the biggest, most complicated math equation in the world, just as Damien leaves again.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I’m taking a walk.

[Turned towards them, shoulders squared, his tone very clearly implies no room for discussion. Nandor seems to get it, even though he in turn looks like he’s being forced to swallow a lemon by allowing Guillermo to leave.]

 **NANDOR:** But – What about the Persian Wild Asses?

 **GUILLERMO:** The donkeys can wait until I come back.

[He’s already grabbed a hold of the door handle.]

 **NANDOR:** But that’s – That’s another year on my list! Check!

[The door slams shut, leaving both Colin Robinson and Nandor clueless, confused, and bored. Nandor huffs in annoyance.]

 **NANDOR:** (mumbling) The disrespect…

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** I could. I’d love to look at some Persian Wild Asses, if you want –

 **NANDOR:** (rounding on him, glaring) No.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Okay.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nandor finds out what it's like to live with someone with in-love-disease. Colin Robinson is just here for a laff xoxo

[Nandor, sitting on top of his favorite fur laden wooden chair, is being interviewed for the camera. He looks to be deep in thought, conflicted almost. Wrestling with himself.]

 **NANDOR:** (ominously) It seems that Guillermo… Poor, sweet, unknowing Guillermo … has been seduced.

[He looks almost as if he’s mourning. There’s a loud cough from the other side of the room. Speaking of the devil: It’s Guillermo, standing there in the back. He looks uncomfortable about being the center of attention for once.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I haven’t been seduced.

[Nandor just ignores him.]

 **NANDOR:** Virginal Guillermo has been… stolen from us… Like a maid in the dead of night…

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) Again, not a vir-

 **NANDOR:** (hissing in his direction) Shh, Guillermo, would you stop that? I am trying to give an interview here and you are interrupting me. It’s very rude.

[The camera zooms in on Guillermo for a second, sighing and rolling his eyes in a ‘God give me strength’ way.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, _that’s_ rude? Like I said, if you would just _ask_ me wha-

 **NANDOR:** Okay, okay, that’s enough. Go stand in another corner.

[Guillermo, piercing the camera with an annoyed look, does as he’s ordered. He walks towards the opposite corner.]

 **NANDOR:** No, not that one – (sounds of foot shuffling) No, not that – Oh, fucking hell. Just leave. Leave us be.

 **GUILLERMO:** (slightly high pitched) Oh, I’m sorry, you want me to leave as you discuss my sexual life to a camera crew? You want me to leave the room for that? Really?

 **NANDOR:** (duh) Yes, did I stutter? (to the camera) Did I? Just… make yourself scarce, Guillermo. Do… whatever it is you do.

[Guillermo starts loudly coughing as he makes his way towards the exist.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Alright, then. I will leave while you tell lies and slander about me.

 **NANDOR:** (rolling his eyes) Thank you.

[The door slams shut, not exactly gentle.]

 **NANDOR:** This fucking guy… (turning towards the camera) Did you see that? This… this concubine is turning my own familiar against me. Me! When all I’ve done for him!

[Nandor falls silent for a minute, clearly wrestling with something or another.]

 **NANDOR:** (softer) Don’t tell him this, but I am concerned. I am trying to be as (doing air quotations with the wrong fingers) _‘chill’_ as usual, but I. I do not like su… Like … Succubi.

[Nandor hisses loudly.]

 **NANDOR:** Don’t know why anyone would keep their company when vampires are so much more superior. Everyone knows that. (making exaggerated hand gestures) Right??

[The camera crew is awkwardly silent.]

 **NANDOR:** Oh, I am trying to be normal and treat Guillermo as (mispronouncing the word) _cooool_ as possible. I am afraid that if I let on that this bothers me, he will want to leave again. I cannot let him know that I care. (tss) If I had known Guillermo was so into orgies… First Celeste, now this. If he wanted to lose his virginity so much, why not ask _me_ for help? (to the camera crew) Camera 2, if you wanted to lose your virginity, would you not ask me first?

 **CAMERA 2:** Uhhh…

 **NANDOR:** Oh, it doesn’t matter. The deed is done. Fucking succubi. I don’t think I’ve ever told this to your camera, but … I had what you would call a bad encounter with them. Succubi tricked me & stole my semen once. (longingly) 1892. It seems just like yesterday that the semen was still with me. I can almost still feel it with me…

[The awkward silence following that seems to indicate that Nandor has told them that story, has told it to them repeatedly. He’s still not over it.]

 **NANDOR:** (sighing) Will the same happen to Guillermo? Will he be whisked away from me in the dead of night, just like my sperm? I will not let those whores get the upper hand again! I wish Nadja was here. She would know what to do. I would kill this… _deman_ character, but I don’t want Guillermo to be mad at me. Who will clean up my coats? And I… (bashfully) I don’t actually know how to kill a succubus. I’ve never tried.

\--

[Guillermo meanwhile has apparently preoccupied himself with very passive aggressive dusting the staircase. He looks like a housewife. It’s kind of adorable.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (mumbling to the staircase) Does it bother me that everyone seems to talk about me as if I’m this object, as if I’m a baby? (high pitched) Not at all. I, I mean, heh, why would it?

[There’s a loud vibration coming from Guillermo’s back pocket. He squeals almost in comical excitement as he frantically fishes it out to read what is presumably a text message on his smartphone. The camera can very clearly make out that he’s blushing.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (smiling just a little) Oh…

[He suddenly remembers the camera is there, coughing as he puts it back where it belongs, resuming his task.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (shyly) We’re not- Me and Damien, we haven’t… done anything. We’re just talking, you know? He’s nice. Thinks I’m pretty awesome. (mumbling) Unlike certain other vampires I know…

[Guillermo is working himself up so much he almost stumbles in his sheer pressed down annoyance.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I know it’s hard to believe coming from me, but I’m not exactly an expert on this. Dating. I, I didn’t… I grew up very religious. High school was … high school. And Panera Bread, whether you believe me or not, doesn’t actually hold that many promising date companions. I mean, not that I’m – That I haven’t – (cutting himself off) I am… I am in my 30’s. (giving the camera a meaningful look) My god, I’m in my 30’s and I’m still dusting someone else’s house… I’m not even a vampire yet, I’m … I…

[A blank look overcomes him, almost as if he’s in the process of dissociating. It’s strange. When he looks back into the camera, he’s smiling slightly.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Never mind. As I said, Damien is a friend.

\--

[Nandor meanwhile has begrudgingly recruited the help of Colin Robinson, standing very awkwardly in his basement/room. He looks very uncomfortable to be here, but his options are sparse. Colin Robinson looks delighted.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** I’m sorry, just so that I’m getting this right. _You_ –

 **NANDOR:** (groans) Yes

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** … want _my_ advice?

 **NANDOR:** As I said, I’m here because –

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Nadja and Laszlo aren’t here, yeah, yeah. I got that. (sighing with barely contained glee) Oh, I’ve been looking forward to the day you guys were dependent on me to save the day.

[Nandor just groans loader.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Alright, alright. If you want my honest opinion –

 **NANDOR:** No one does

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** \- On this Damien fella, I think he’s sleazy. He seems up to no good.

 **NANDOR:** (waving his hands in the air) Yes! That’s what I –

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (cutting him off with a finger) _But_ , and this is the important part: Guillermo likes him. So your hands are tied. Metaphorically speaking. But… Hmmm… (contemplating)

 **NANDOR:** Just spit it out!

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** You could always try to win him back. You know. His affections, that is.

[The accompanying silence that follows that statement is deafening. Nandor looks like he’s struggling with that thought.]

 **NANDOR:** Why should _I_ have to do any sort of winning? Is it not enough that I am a real vampire, superior in every way, sexy, and that I am … (brainstorming positive traits about himself) _chill?_

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Yeah, nope. Sorry.

[Nandor loudly protests to that.]

 **NANDOR:** Colin Robinson, is this another one of your attempts at draining me?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh, I’m deadly serious here. (shrugging) I mean, you could also just try to arrange a fight to the death with the guy. I’m sure Guillermo would love that.

 **NANDOR:** (shyly) I… I actually don’t know how to kill a succubus. They’re energy vampires, so. I could try killing you, just to the test waters?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Hmmm, normally I’d be up for that, but right now I’m anxiously anticipating someone on Tumblr writing a call out post about my trolling habits, and I couldn’t possibly miss that, so. But I mean, if the situation arises some other time (vague hand gestures) _I_ don’t even know how to kill _me_ , you know? I just sort of keep on trucking. And I know even less about Succubus and their Achilles’ heel.

 **NANDOR:** I do not need to know about their footwear. I just need to know how to kill them. (sitting down awkwardly on Colin Robinson’s folding chair) What do you know?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Hmmm, alright then, what do I … (thinking) Oh, I know that they grow stronger every time they feed. Although, that one’s a given. I know they – well, they used to steal someone’s –

[Nandor starts hissing loudly in protest.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (delighted) Oh, I’m sorry, did I trigger you? Whoopsie. Well, let’s see, what else? They’re day walkers, of course. They’re immortal as long as they feed. Stakes don’t harm them, neither does any sort of religious sacrament. Not sure about draining, at least the bloodletting type. Hmm. Well, that’s tricky. I’m spit balling here, but you could… just try having really bad sex with him? You know? Fuck him to death?

[Nandor makes a loud noise of disgust.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Not a fan? Okay. You could also… (snapping his fingers) Oh, you could try locking him in a sensory deprivation tank for several months, maybe even years, where it’s neither possible for him to self-cannibalize or feed in some other way, leaving him weakened and then maybe, _maybe_ you could try dueling him to the death and win.

 **NANDOR:** (not into the idea) Yeah… About that… That seems like a lot of work. A lot of planning, for what? Guillermo? So no.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (mumbling) None of you guys ever want to do anything fun… (sighing) Well, there’s another simple way of buying Guillermo’s affections: Gifts.

 **NANDOR:** (perking up) Poison?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** What – no, presents. Those little small boxes people wrap in plastic and put a bow on top?

 **NANDOR:** … Oh.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Yeah, you could try small, with a keychain or. I don’t know. Something handmade? Or, if you really feel like letting Guillermo know how appreciated he is, you could… (mischievous tone) book a hotel room for you two. Order room service. Fight fire with fire.

[Nandor obviously doesn’t get it and is perplexed.]

 **NANDOR:** Why would I set fire to a … a hotel for Guillermo? How would I know the room had a suitable coffin for me to sleep in?? (getting even more confused) And what would we even _do_ , if the hotel’s on fire??

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (looking directly into the camera) Oh, I’m sure you’d think of something. (back to Nandor) But I think a keychain would work as a start.

\--

[A few nights after their conversation Nandor is obviously still thinking about it, walking around and doing his nightly vampire activities with one eye elsewhere. It’s 11pm, the place is quiet, safe for heavy footsteps on the porch as the door gets violently swung open. It’s Nandor but he’s not alone. He’s dragging a victim in with him, one of those clueless suckers who decided to go jogging at the dead of night. He’s screaming and thrashing wildly in Nandor’s grip. It’s all incredibly macabre.]

 **JOGGER:** OH _GOD_ (sobbing) please, please let me go! I, I won’t call the police, just _please_

 **NANDOR:** (groaning and slapping his flailing hands) Will you stop that? I am distracted enough as it is…

 **JOGGER:** (spotting the camera crew in the corner) Oh, thank God, hey! Hey, you guys! Please help me, please –

[The camera crew just stays put awkwardly, looking away as Nandor starts attacking the man’s neck. Blood is gushing everywhere, onto the carpet, into Nandor’s mouth, the sheer quantity of it staggering, like a small waterfall. It goes on like this for a few minutes, the jogger mercifully quiet, his eyes glassy and unfocused. Nandor looks as if he’s in deep thought even while he’s drinking.]

[After a while, he eases up on the dying man, his beard dyed red and crusty with blood.]

 **NANDOR:** (licking his lips) Human

[The man is delirious, barely there, eyes rolling around his skull, but he reacts when talked to.]

 **JOGGER:** P-Please… Please stop…

 **NANDOR:** Do you carry a keychain with you, human man?

 **JOGGER:** W-What…?

[Nandor sighs in annoyance as he jostles the man in his grip for good measure. The man softly yelps in pain.]

 **NANDOR:** A chain. For your keys. With something cute and tiny attached to it. Like a cat.

 **JOGGER:** Uhh… Ummm…

[There’s blood gushing out of his neck wound as the man talks, clearly at death’s door. Nandor just grunts in annoyance and looks for the damn thing himself, fishing for it in the man’s pockets. The sudden movements cause his victim some pain, it seems, as he grunts softly in pain now and then again.]

 **NANDOR:** (grunting) Fucking… Humans… and their… gifts…

[He yells in surprised delight as he finds what he was looking for: house keys. With a key chain. He’s even let go of his victim, resulting in the poor man falling to the floor with a heavy thud, a pool of blood gathering around him. There’s a strange wet noise coming from him.]

 **NANDOR:** Aha! At last! A chained key! (holding it to the camera in delight) See? Thank you, human man.

 **JOGGER:** (gurgling)

[It takes some moments for Nandor to read what the printed card on the key says. The man, meanwhile, is lying on the floor and slowly but surely dying as he’s choking on his own blood.]

 **NANDOR:** St… Steve? (gasping) Steve, is that you?

 **JOGGER:** (soft gurgling)

[He actually full on laughs.]

 **NANDOR:** Oh, Steve, I’ve been waiting so long… For someone with that name… So that I may gift them one of the most precious items I own.

[It’s the exact same keychain with ‘Steve’ on it that he got from the necromancer. That’s what he’s talking about.]

 **NANDOR:** (laughing) It really is such a wonderful coincidence that I stumbled upon you, Steve, I… Steve?

[Nandor chances a look at the by now dead body on the floor. He’s stopped being able to breathe, what with all that blood clogging up his windpipe. It’s a sad sight. Nandor looks towards the camera crew.]

 **NANDOR:** Shit. (louder) _GUILLERMO!_ Come here!

[It takes a little later than usual for Guillermo to stumble his way into the main entrance hall this time. He looks red, like he’s out of breath. He’s holding his smartphone in one hand.]

 **GUILLERMO:** … Master? Did you need – (finally noticing the dead body on the floor right next to him) (yelping) _Mierda!_ Who is that??

[Nandor looks positively beaten down, throwing the keychain back onto the carcasses’ back.]

 **NANDOR:** (annoyed) Steve. Take care of him. – Is… What is that?

[Guillermo’s phone is illuminated bright, showcasing the blurred and pixelated visage of someone else. Someone Nandor does _not_ want to see right now.]

 **NANDOR:** Urgh, _again?_ Didn’t you see each other yesterday??

[Guillermo exhales in surprise as he hastily shoves the phone in his back pocket, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (blushing) We, we were just facetiming, Master.

 **DAMIEN:** (muffled, from Guillermo’s back pocket) Heya there, Nandor. What’s up?

 **NANDOR:** (hissing) _Demon_

 **DAMIEN:** (sighing) Again, it’s Greek, dude, not –

 **NANDOR:** (coughing) Guillermo, I do not care to know about this face sex position you were doing. (mumbling) I am having a bad day enough as it is…

 **GUILLERMO:** Master…?

 **NANDOR:** (pointing towards the dead body) Clean this up.

 **DAMIEN:** (still muffled) Should I come over and help?

[Nandor just hisses in response.]

 **DAMIEN:** …………. Oooookay. I was only offering, dude.

 **GUILLERMO:** No, it’s fine, let me just call you back. (fishing for his phone) I’ll turn you off.

[Damien looks faux hurt as his pixelated face is yet again visible.]

 **DAMIEN:** But I was really looking forward to you telling me about your claustrophobic and homophobic high school experience… (pouting)

 **GUILLERMO:** Ummm…

 **NANDOR:** (groaning loudly) I’ve had enough of this shit! Guillermo, get this _demon_ out of my house. (to the camera) I’m fucking leaving. BAT!

[And with that Nandor transforms himself into the grumpiest looking bat in the history of the species, annoyed even in this body, as he flies towards the still open door and harrowingly misses hitting his small, round head on the dark wood.]


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions rise. Both Guillermo and Nandor make a decision.

[It’s a couple of days later. Nandor and Guillermo are in the living room, Nandor is “reading” while barely looking at the worn hardcover of a book that seems to be from the late 18ths. Guillermo is dusting the interior with bitterness and ferocity to his step that is reminiscent of a scorned housewife. The atmosphere is … not exactly the best.]

 **NANDOR:** (loudly) Aaah, yes… (skipping through the pages) Yes, yes, very interesting indeed.

[Nandor is mouthing towards the camera, though it’s hard to tell what, giving a thumbs-up as he points towards the open pages of the book.]

 **NANDOR:** (coughing) Guillermo, come here.

[Guillermo, for all his bottled-up rage, seems to comply without much fuss. He just quietly puts away the duster as he makes his way towards the couch.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Yes, Master?

[Now that he’s got him where he wanted, the 700-year-old vampire seems to be struggling with how to proceed.]

 **NANDOR:** You… (coughing) Do you have keys?

 **GUILLERMO:** Do I have keys? (blinking) You mean keys to the house, or…?

 **NANDOR:** Just………. Keys.

[Guillermo takes a second to respond, standing there awkwardly while Nandor is sitting.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Yes? I do?

 **NANDOR:** (nodding furiously) Good. That’s good. It’s… good to have keys.

 **GUILLERMO:** (slightly amused at Nandor’s awkwardness) Yes, that tends to be how I open doors. Well, if that’s all you wanted to ask me, I’ll just go back to-

 **NANDOR:** (strongly) Sit, Guillermo.

[Guillermo complies almost immediately, though choosing to leave a safe distance between them on the couch. Nandor takes notice of it, though he seems to be glad of it.]

 **NANDOR:** (coughing) Yes, well. Since I have noticed your… (heavy silence) loud and big key collection jiggling inside your pocket-

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, is it too loud? I can-

 **NANDOR:** No, it’s. (huffs) (mumbling) Fuck’s sake. Here.

[He throws something small and silver which had been previously hidden in his open book onto Guillermo’s lap. Guillermo looks intrigued, though confused and probably a little bit scared more than anything.]

 **GUILLERMO:** What is that? (holding it up) Is that…

 **NANDOR:** Yes, you are welcome.

 **GUILLERMO:** \- a cat? (smiling) Where’d you buy this?

 **NANDOR:** Ohhh, you know.

\--

[A flashback of a day ago. There’s a frantic knock on the door as Nandor anxiously awaits whoever it is. As the door opens it reveals a man of … Wait, is that Doug Peterson, the state executive? He looks a little worse for wear, covered in dirt and with a feral look in his eyes.]

 **DOUG PETERSON:** My master, I have heard your voice call to me in my cell.

 **NANDOR:** Yes, it’s good to see you too-

 **DOUG PETERSON:** (crouching on the floor) I have been alone too long without your gentle voice to guide me towards carnage, Master. I have been _so_ lonely. I have broken free from the chains they call the psych ward. I am your eternal slave, your soldier, your –

 **NANDOR:** (scoffs) Do you have it or not? And… (embarrassed) Get off from the floor, our neighbors will see you.

[Doug Peterson tentatively stands up again.]

 **DOUG PETERSON:** … Yes, Master.

 **NANDOR:** Well?

 **DOUG PETERSON:** (blinking) I killed two people to get here.

 **NANDOR:** (exclaiming in annoyance) _No_ , not that. The chains. Have you got one?

 **DOUG PETERSON:** Wow, I … I really thought you’d be proud that I stabbed an elderly woman and then stole her purse –

 **NANDOR:** (waving him off) Yes, yes, I’m glad you had a good time. Good for you. Now show me it.

[Doug Peterson sighs dramatically, murmuring “This is just like council duty all over again” as he hoists a backpack filled to the brim with – something? Onto the porch. Nandor claps his hands excitedly.]

 **NANDOR:** Yes, finally! What… what is that?

 **DOUG PETERSON:** They’re keychains. I stole them from people.

 **NANDOR:** (sighing) You … (looking towards the camera) You were supposed to just buy one.

 **DOUG PETERSON:** (blinking) What?

 **NANDOR:** You know… With human money? Those… dollars? Go to Hot Topic or something?

 **DOUG PETERSON:** (distressed, voice raised slightly) You’re saying I killed and robbed those people for _nothing?!_

[Nandor grimaces and winces.]

 **NANDOR:** Yes, well. Miscommunication. It happens.

 **DOUG PETERSON:** I’m a fugitive, I- (sighing) Can I stay here?

 **NANDOR:** (wincing) Yeeees, you see… Normally I would say yes, but the house is filled with vampires at the moment, as you can hear.

[Complete silence follows. Taking the backpack, Nandor closes the door slightly so it’s not as obvious.]

 **NANDOR:** We are all busy with… very important vampire business. So…

 **DOUG PETERSON:** But-

 **NANDOR:** Thank you, though! I’m sure you could… sleep on a bench in a park somewhere?

 **DOUG PETERSON:** Master-

[Nandor slams the door in his face, looking disgusted.]

 **NANDOR:** Oh, eww. Yuck. I may have… hypnotized him too much.

 **DOUG PETERSON:** (muffled slightly) I can still hear you, you know. This wood is incredibly thin. (softer) Please, just let me hide at yours…

[Nandor looks towards the camera, rolls his eyes and shrugs.]

\--

[Back in the present day. The half-opened backpack can be seen lazily stuffed under the couch, its contents spilling out.]

 **GUILLERMO:** You bought that with your money?

 **NANDOR:** (duh) Yes, now say thank you so we can be done with this.

 **GUILLERMO:** You know, I’m (trying to suppress the urge to smile) I’m more of a dog person, actually.

 **NANDOR:** (exclaims angrily) See, this is why no one ever gifts you presents, Guillermo! Because you are ungrateful! (waving his finger in the air) You are an ungrateful little man!

 **GUILLERMO:** No, it’s – Master, it was a joke. I mean, I do like dogs, but I like cats as well. (looking more closely) Although, could be anything really. Dog, cat.

[Guillermo gingerly squints at the keychain in his hand. It truly looks grotesque – the tail is on the poor thing’s stomach, the color is off, and the eyes are black slits. It looks like a failed attempt of sculpting by a toddler. Still, Guillermo is genuinely charmed and happy about this. Nandor is uncomfortable by the warmth radiating from Guillermo’s smile.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Thank you, Master.

 **NANDOR:** (scoffing) Yes, well, it’s ugly and uninteresting, just like you.

[Guillermo frowns at that last comment.]

 **GUILLERMO:** It-

 **NANDOR:** Alright, now go back to dusting the living room. (waving his hand) Go. Go!

[Guillermo stands up, unsure and a little bit hurt.]

 **GUILLERMO:** But, but I’m not done with-

 **NANDOR:** Leave!

[Guillermo leaves. Nandor gives an excited thumbs up to the camera as Guillermo slams the door shut.]

 **NANDOR:** (ecstatic) Did you see that? I gave him a present and he liked it! (proud of himself) Now he knows that I appreciate him. Ah, yes, the talent of flattery has been with me since I was a human. Have I ever told your camera how I married my 37 wives? You could say I am – relentless.

\--

[In the corridor. Guillermo is being interviewed.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (murmuring) What the hell was that? I mean, first he – he gifts me this (dangling the keychain in front of the camera) And then he just insults me? Is… Is this because of…

[Something dawns on him. It’s clear on his face. He sighs tiredly.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I’m gonna go lay down.

\--

[It’s Colin Robinson being interviewed this time, in his little makeshift bedroom/cellar. He lounges casually, or as casually as a white bald guy can, on the bed. His eyes are glowing bright blue and his mouth is open in a smirk.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** If I’m having a good time? Oh, I’m having a _great_ time. The awkward energy those two have been providing me for days has been (laughing breathily) W-Well, let’s just say, I don’t even need to be in the room to absorb some of it. Not that my advice to Nandor wasn’t genuine. It was, it’s just that i’m just constantly being provided with some midnight snacks, it’s –

[There’s noise from upstairs. It sounds like two people fighting. Colin Robinson looks up towards the ceiling and then grins.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** It’s delicious.

\--

[Another camera crew has decided to film this truly awkward weird not-fight going on between Guillermo and Nandor in the living room. They’re both standing, though at opposite ends of the room as if they’re in a standoff. Guillermo has his coat sluggishly wrapped around his shoulders, clearly in the process of dressing himself.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I’m just saying, just because I – I have a friend doesn’t mean you need to be-

 **NANDOR:** (scoffing) I’m not.

 **GUILLERMO:** \- Doesn’t mean that you have to be je-

[Nandor’s hissing interrupts him.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) You have to be jealou-

[Nandor hisses yet again.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (closing his eyes) I am just. Taking out the trash. That is all.

 **NANDOR:** (accusingly) Yes! That is what you said last time, and then what happened? You were out for centuries!

 **GUILLERMO:** More like an hour and a half –

 **NANDOR:** _Decades!_

 **GUILLERMO:** \- And I’m not going to meet up with him, by the way. Not that I don’t have any right to.

 **NANDOR:** Aha! So you are not denying what you’ve been accused of!

 **GUILLERMO:** (strained) You can’t accuse me of anything I haven’t done.

\--

[We’re back in Colin Robinson’s chamber. He’s lying on the bed, eyes closed in ecstasy. He looks… relaxed.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (sighs wistfully) You guys… you guys might want to close the door on your way out. I’m enjoying this a little _too_ much.

[You can almost hear every single camera crew member think “ewww” simultaneously.]

\--

[Upstairs, the conversation gets more heated.]

 **GUILLERMO:** \- I just don’t understand, I mean first you give me this weird looking cat and then you insult me?

 **NANDOR:** Yes, exactly, you are welcome for that.

[Guillermo looks towards the camera in a sort of ‘is this guy fucking kidding me’ way.]

 **GUILLERMO:** And anyway, you know… (coughing awkwardly) There is one sure-fire way to make me stop seeing him. Permanently.

[Nandor perks up at that.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Turn me into a vampire.

 **NANDOR:** (groaning loudly) Not again. If you want to be a vampire so bad, have your little sperm stealer bite you! And that comment puts another year on the list, little man!

 **GUILLERMO:** My _what?_ – You know, I’m starting to think you don’t even have a list.

 **NANDOR:** (gasp) That’s two years.

[Guillermo, rolling his eyes, seems to decide that this is the moment he wants to remove himself from the situation, putting on his jacket fully.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Since you don’t seem to care whether I take a stroll or not –

 **NANDOR:** (high pitched) I don’t!

 **GUILLERMO:** (prissy) Okay, well then maybe I will.

 **NANDOR:** Okay, then you should.

 **GUILLERMO:** Then I will.

 **NANDOR:** Good.

 **GUILLERMO:** Good.

 **NANDOR:** (louder) _Great!_ Glad we got that settled.

 **GUILLERMO:** Maybe I will … (growing more defiant) Maybe I will just take my free day early. Go out.

 **NANDOR:** (hissing through his teeth) Good.

 **GUILLERMO:** Great.

 **NANDOR:** O-Akay.

 **GUILLERMO:** A-Okay.

 **NANDOR:** Fucking… That’s what I said!

\--

 **NANDOR:** The situation is direr than I realized. This deman is sucking him off. His energy. Turning him against me more by the day. (sighing) I am at a crossroads on what to do… (excitedly) Which is I’ve made this list!

[He dangles it in front of the camera. The handwriting is so poor you can barely even make out any actual words. There’s also a very crudely drawn sketch of a certain human adorning the far left of the page, with X’s for eyes. It looks nothing like Guillermo, and yet. The nose is spot on, though.]

 **NANDOR:** (pointing towards the page) See, on this one side I wrote reasons I should kill Guillermo and just get a new familiar, and on the right I’ve written reasons I shouldn’t eat him, even though he’s been disrespecting me very badly these last few weeks. You know, back in my home, I would just cut off the heads of all the men who dared to disrespect me… while they took out my trash. But I… I have to confess something.

[There’s a heavy silence as he looks into the camera.]

 **NANDOR:** I don’t like ripping heads off all that much anymore. Blood fountains are fun the first, maybe the fifth time you do it, but then? They grow boring. First time it’s ‘Oooh, look at me! I’m dancing in the rain of my enemy’s insides!’ and then after a while it’s just… ‘Did some of it get in my hair?’

[He sighs as if there’s this huge burden on him.]

 **NANDOR:** Don’t tell him this, but I grew too used to Guillermo. He’s the longest familiar I’ve ever had. I’d feel like a little lost duckling, floating out in the ocean. Nadja and Laszlo have each other to annoy, and no one wants Colin Robinson. But, who will play jolf with me when I am old? Or… older. Who will play jolf with me _now?_

[He looks like he’s suddenly realized what he just said, the implications behind it glaring huge and neon in his brain.]

 **NANDOR:** Hmmm. Shit. (wincing) Maybe I will kill him after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> presidential alert: the girls are fighting  
> also side note: i have been seriously contemplating, hypothetically ofc, the perfect date for a vampire tyrant from the ottoman empire. Hmmm. I think Nandor would take laser tag *way* too seriously.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to keep you all waiting. But man, what a finale! What a ... sperm-tastic 9th episode. I just want everyone to know that it's actual lore that incubi were the ones stealing sperm in the dead of night! Just as an FYI.  
> In this chapter: Nandor wants to give Guillermo a gift. It sorta backfires

[Nandor and Guillermo have their backs turned towards the camera as they very awkwardly walk side by side, though a little distanced, towards an unknown location. Guillermo has his hands inside the pocket of his coat. It’s snowing profusely.]

 **GUILLERMO:** M-Master? Where are we going?

[He sounds almost frightened. Nandor just gives him a look but remains otherwise silent. It’s a tense affair.]

[The big neon pink and blue sign welcomes them not long after that.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Are we…

[Nandor stops, sighing loudly.]

 **NANDOR:** Guillermo. You must surely wonder why I’ve dragged you to this place. What my plans for the night is.

[Guillermo seems as if he can put two and two together.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Well, it’s an ice cream sho-

 **NANDOR:** (pointing towards the shop) I, myself, cannot consume human food. You know this. But for decades, I have carried something very important to me close to my heart. And I wish to gift it to you.

[He starts gingerly taking out a Baskin-Robbins coupon, holding it in his hand as if it’s plated in gold. Nandor extends it towards Guillermo’s confused face as if he’s giving him the keys to the kingdom. Guillermo takes the gift cautiously, reads it.]

 **GUILLERMO:** ‘For decades?’ This was stamped in 2012.

 **NANDOR:** (embarrassed) Yes, well. (coughing) Since 2012… I have carried this precious treasure with me.

 **GUILLERMO:** Ah. (looking towards the shop) Wait, you want me-?

 **NANDOR:** Yes.

 **GUILLERMO:** But I… (swallowing thickly) I mean, are you sure?

 **NANDOR:** (fondly) Guillermo, I wouldn’t gift this anyone else I know.

 **GUILLERMO:** (murmuring) You know no other human who eats human food…

 **NANDOR:** What was that?

 **GUILLERMO:** Nothing. Should… (looking straight ahead) Should we go inside?

[Nandor actually honest to God smiles at that.]

 **NANDOR:** Lead the way.

* * *

[An uncertain amount of time later, we’re back with the two fellas wandering in the snow. Guillermo has a big scope of chocolate ice cream now, though, eating it tentatively. It must be freezing to eat ice cream in this weather, but Guillermo soldiers on. Nandor looks genuinely pleased with himself.]

 **NANDOR:** Hmm, Guillermo?

 **GUILLERMO:** (licking the ice cream) Master?

 **NANDOR:** How does my present taste, Guillermo? Describe it to me.

 **GUILLERMO:** It, uhhh… It’s chocolatey?

[Nandor looks genuinely interested as he watches Guillermo lick his ice cream, transfixed. Guillermo looks uncomfortable under his gaze.]

 **NANDOR:** Aaaah, yes! Of course! Chocolatey.

[Guillermo seems to catch onto something.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Have you… never tried chocolate before?

 **NANDOR:** Of course, many times! All the times! Yes.

 **GUILLERMO:** (contemplating) Would you like to try mine?

 **NANDOR:** That is very kind of you, Guillermo, but no thank you. I don’t feel like projectile vomiting home tonight.

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh… Right.

[The mood has grown a little sad, the race difference staggering. Nandor, desperate for the conversation to continue so he can call this a success, does the thing he does best: Fishing for compliments while subtly insulting Guillermo at the same time.]

 **NANDOR:** So, Guillermo… I bet you weren't able to afford such exquisite treats yourself, were you? This must be a first for you.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) … Yes.

* * *

[A flashback to 20 minutes ago, in that Baskin-Robbins shop with its oppressive and harsh neon lights. Inside the lights are on so bright Nandor has trouble focusing, at first, he mistook it for sunrays and had hissed at the light, scaring the family with children situated a few feet from them. Now all he does is squint aggressively.]

[The teenager at the cashier looks decidedly not impressed with any of this.]

 **NANDOR:** (squinting) Good evening. We would like one human ice cream, please.

 **CASHIER:** … Flavor?

 **NANDOR:** Human-flavored.

[Guillermo gently shoves himself in front of the cashier, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Nandor. At the moment, he’s too busy squinting angrily to react, though.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Ch-chocolate, please. (smiling awkwardly) Sorry.

[The cashier doesn’t even give him a second glance as he lazily prepares his order. She looks almost as if she’s a zombie. Do zombies work at ice cream shops?]

 **CASHIER:** Alright. Anything else? What about… Mister General over there?

[She’s obviously taking a gig that Nandor to a human looks like he’s dressed for a LARP session or some kind of historical event. He’d wanted to wear his best clothes, but they’d all been bloody. So he went for his usual casual outfit.]

[Guillermo looks nervous about whether Nandor will take offense to that joke or not. But the vampire looks genuinely delighted.]

 **NANDOR:** You are right, angry human woman. I _was_ a General-

 **GUILLERMO:** (coughing) That’d be all, thanks.

 **CASHIER:** Cool. That’d be 1.35 bucks.

[Nandor perks up at that, having realized his clue. Just as Guillermo tries putting the coupon on the desk, Nandor rudely takes it out of his hand and flicks it towards the cashier.]

 **NANDOR:** Accept this piece of paper a friendly stranger shoved into my letterbox oh so long ago.

[The cashier girl looks at the coupon in dismay.]

 **CASHIER:** This is from 2012. It’s expired long ago.

[Nandor stares at her intently, obviously meant to try one of those hypnotizing gigs he’s so terrible at.]

 **NANDOR:** (waving his hand intricately in the air) No, it’s not.

[Guillermo, closing his eyes, just sighs as he fishes out his wallet, carefully so his master won’t notice.]

 **CASHIER:** Uhhh, yes, it is.

 **NANDOR:** (more hand waving) No, it’s not.

[Guillermo very harrowingly avoids getting slapped in the face with Nandor’s elaborate, jerky hand movements.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Master, wouldn’t you like to wait outside? The lights must hurt your eyes, right?

 **NANDOR:** (tss) Fine but tell this peasant that if she won’t accept my piece of paper, we could settle this like real adults with a duel.

 **CASHIER:** (deadpan) My hourly pay isn’t big enough for that.

[Guillermo quickly hands the girl a 3-dollar bill, in a universal ‘just keep the change please, this is embarrassing enough already’ shrug-grimace-combo. It’s very effective.]

[Guillermo guides a disgruntled Nandor outside with words we can’t understand, partly because he’s only half certain the girl won’t call the cops on the creepy looking Iranian LARPer who threatened her to a sword duel. Or worse, she might bring in her manager.]

* * *

**GUILLERMO:** This is definitely a first, I would say.

 **NANDOR:** (smiling) Good. You are welcome.

[They go on walking awkwardly side by side, presumably back home, though neither of them is in a rush. Nandor looks as if he resents having to actually use his legs to walk more than a mile. Occasionally, though way less than what is actually normal, Guillermo will take a lick of his ice cream. He looks like he’s struggling with something.]

 **NANDOR:** Guillermo, what is wrong? You seem more depressed than usual. An unusual sight for someone holding chocolate ice cream.

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) Oh, I’m. I’m sorry, Master –

 **NANDOR:** (waving his hand) Just spit it out, Guillermo, I’m sure whatever it is that’s got you so conflicted will be solved in a second with my superior wisdom.

 **GUILLERMO:** Hmm. Yeah. Of course, it will. Superior wisdom, of course.

 **NANDOR:** Yes, I was quite known for my intelligence and advice back in my home. Everyone came to me, far and wide, to listen to me explain their problems away.

 **GUILLERMO:** (with a hint of sarcasm) I don’t doubt it. It’s just, well, I’m not sure how much your –

 **NANDOR:** (warningly) Guillermo. I command you to tell me what’s making you so depressed.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing) Fine. Master, do you ever feel like… I don’t know, doubtful? About your life?

[Nandor contemplates that for a moment.]

 **NANDOR:** Hmm, no.

 **GUILLERMO:** Never? Not even when you’re… I don't know, when you’re feeding on someone or when you –

 **NANDOR:** No, because I remind myself that I am an ancient, powerful vampire that knows everything and that I am… _cool_ , is what you’d call it. And then I stop.

 **GUILLERMO:** So you… you just remind yourself how awesome you are and then stop doubting?

 **NANDOR:** Yes, you see, when you become a vampire, everything in your life becomes easier. Every little problem can be solved. Especially as someone as old as I am.

[He sounds like he’s lying straight through his teeth – fangs.]

 **NANDOR:** (waving his hand nonchalantly) You wouldn’t know about this, of course, because you are not a vampire.

 **GUILLERMO:** (sarcastically) Of course. Well, thank you for your wisdom.

 **NANDOR:** (fondly) You are welcome, Guillermo. Now, (exhaling) Can we please go home already, this constant walking is _not_ fun.

 **GUILLERMO:** We’ve barely been walking for 30 minutes.

[Nandor grimaces in distaste. Guillermo just sighs.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Fine (sighing) We’re already on our street. Not much longer.

 **NANDOR:** (exhaling in relief) Ah, yes. My domain. Our street and Ashley’s street.

[Guillermo doesn’t answer. He’s looking down ahead of him, clearly still hung up on their earlier topic of conversation. Nandor takes notice of this.]

 **NANDOR:** You could… I don’t know… try making a list?

 **GUILLERMO:** List?

 **NANDOR:** (nodding) Yes, you see, lists are what intellectuals such as myself do when we don’t know what to do. (happily) Like just yesterday, I made a list about you!

 **GUILLERMO:** (perking up at that) Oh, wow, you mean about whether to tur-

 **NANDOR:** Whether I should eat you or not, yes. But as you can see (waving towards the ice cream) I have decided on a different tactic.

[Guillermo looks down at his chocolate ice cream, contemplates the fact that this ancient being next to him just yesterday was unsure if they wanted to kill him or not, but brought him ice cream instead. He decides he’s fine with that. Kinda.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Ahh…

[There’s a rumbling coming from Guillermo’s stomach. It’s soft at first, like insistent chatter, but grows louder and angrier the faster they walk towards their house. Nandor doesn’t notice this of course, as he’s too busy philosophizing about the times he, too, used to have to strictly use his legs for transport, and how disgusting and humiliating that had been. Then he goes into an obviously dramatized story about how he once cut the legs off a foot soldier who had commented on the greasiness of his hair. Guillermo very cleverly manages to throw the remaining half scoop and cone into the bushes next to him.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (pretending to listen) Hmmm. HmmmHmmm.

 **NANDOR:** I mean, I had to do it. Otherwise, how would people respect me, and my hair, otherwise?

 **GUILLERMO:** (more quietly) Right.

 **NANDOR:** Oh, I miss it. The commandeering, battling, pillaging. What was it that you said I should do? That sport where I can kill and disembowel to my heart’s content?

 **GUILLERMO:** (more grumbling) Laser tag…?

 **NANDOR:** (excitedly) Yes! Lasers! I love lasers. Love those funky things. I would like to try tagging lasers sometime.

 **GUILLERMO:** (strained) S-Sure…

 **NANDOR:** (stopping his rant) Guillermo?

[Guillermo makes a high pitched “Hmm?” noise as he hunches over slightly. He’s cradling his stomach. Thankfully, mercifully, they’ve reached their destination and have just now entered their garden. It’s dead silent, except for Guillermo’s stomach rumbling.]

 **NANDOR:** What is that? Why are your intestines trying to talk to me?

 **GUILLERMO:** (embarrassed) Oh, it’s nothing, it’s –

 **NANDOR:** (sighing) Is it your dry shits again?

 **GUILLERMO:** No, it’s – (closing his eyes as another stomachache stops him in his tracks) I’m lactose intolerant.

 **NANDOR:** Guillermo, why would you say that you might not be the most liberal familiar I’ve ever had, but. You certainly haven’t been the _worst_

 **GUILLERMO:** No, it’s – Thanks for that, by the way. It’s nothing about… about politics. My body just can’t handle certain types of food.

[Nandor looks deeply interested, if worried, at that. He rounds on his sweat-glistened familiar's face.]

 **NANDOR:** I don’t understand, why would human food be bad for humans? What kind of nonsense is this?

 **GUILLERMO:** It’s not really about the food itself, it’s. It’s about what’s _in_ the food. Like lactose.

 **NANDOR:** (raising his eyebrows) This is an herb or a poison…?

 **GUILLERMO:** It’s dairy. From cow milk. Which happens to be how most ice cream is made.

 **NANDOR:** Well, why didn’t you say so? We could have gotten you ice cream from human milk!

 **GUILLERMO:** (blinking) H-human … milk…?

 **NANDOR:** Yes, like those babies drink! (ominously) Guillermo, I have poisoned you…?

 **GUILLERMO:** (wincing) I mean, kinda? I’ll be fine, though.

 **NANDOR:** (gasping dramatically) Oh, fucking Baskin-Robbins! I knew I should have battled that girl! I have _poisoned_ my familiar! The coupon guy betrayed me!

[He sounds and acts strangely worried, fuzzing about Guillermo as if said human is literally about to die. Guillermo looks touched, if a little embarrassed and desperate not to have to say that all he really did was give him diarrhea. They’re not at that stage of their relationship yet.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (soothingly) Look, it’ll be fine. I just need to take my – my meds, and then I’ll be good as new…! (more stomach grumbling as he winces) Oww. (pointing towards the house) I’ll just… see you in a bit, Master.

[Nandor still doesn’t look convinced he shouldn’t go out again and decapitate the ice cream shop employee, even as his familiar hurriedly makes his way towards the house’s porch. Guillermo’s breathing quickly, probably trying to hold it in. It’s a painful sight.]

 **NANDOR:** Do you not want me to-?

[We don’t know where Nandor is going with this. Whether he’s asking about the dropped subject of revenge, or whether he’s fighting himself to ask if Guillermo needs any help. Both seems probable. Guillermo stops for a minute as he holds the door open, most likely imagines his vampire master carrying him up the stairs so he can go empty his bowel, all the while standing next to the toilet condescendingly and ask him questions about the human body and its intolerance for certain foods. He doesn’t seem too keen on the idea after all.]

 **GUILLERMO:** No, I’m fine!

[Guillermo slams the door shut as he can be heard rushing up the stairs. Nandor stands in the garden for a moment, unsure on what to do.]

 **NANDOR:** Hmmm. (facing the camera) Shit.

* * *

[We’re back in the house, though it’s daytime by now. Guillermo is frantically pacing his room. His stomach seems to be in agreement with him again, after a long, embarrassing stint spent on the only toilet in the house.]

[An on-screen text announcing it to be the next day.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know

[There’s a buzzing as his phone receives a message, one he tries to but fails to ignore. It only escalates his panic.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh shit oh fuck, oh… (looking towards the camera) Damien invited me to come over to his house. You know. His _home_. Residence. He invited me to come over, and normally, if my life was normal, I’d be ecstatic, but right now I’m just – I …

[Guillermo stops pacing and lets himself crash onto his bed. He sighs.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (sadly) I’m in a bit of a bind at the moment. I feel like no one takes me seriously, has ever taken me seriously, no matter what I’ve done or where I’ve been and – Damien takes me seriously. I think? Yeah. (exhaling) It’s just been a lot of changes recently, a lot of life crises, and to be honest with you, I …

[Guillermo sounds out of breath as he laughs sadly. He shrugs towards the camera.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I don’t even know if I _want_ to become a vampire anymore. I don’t know if I want to continue working this job, or being a slave for these people, I don’t know if I … I just don’t know. I’m unsure about a lot of stuff, more than I’ve ever been, and I (laughing) Man, I really thought I’d be done with the self-doubt when I left my 20’s. Apparently not.

[He pierces the camera with a stare.]

 **GUILLERMO:** I do this, you know? I get scared and I sit on my ass and do nothing. I wanted to apply to art school but got scared, so I didn’t. I’m surprised I’ve been… (quieter) handling the revelations of the last few months as well as I have. It’s (laughing) It’s been a lot.

[There’s a heavy silence as Guillermo contemplates. You can almost see the exact second he makes up his mind about whatever it is he was conflicted about.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (sighing shakily) You know what? I’m not going to do that anymore. I’ll be like the people in Shark Tank. Give it my all. Be brave… or something.

[He types out a response on his phone with unsteady fingers. The phone buzzes as an answer arrives almost immediately. Guillermo startles at the quick response, looks at the text, then to the camera, then towards his phone again.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (mumbling) Oh, what am I getting myself into…

* * *

[It’s barely an hour later, still early noon judging by the sunshine. The camera crew has followed Guillermo towards an unknown location, some sort of suburbia. It all looks pristine, every house the same off-color white. Who could possibly live in a neighborhood like this?]

[Guillermo anxiously walks towards one particular door, mumbling something to himself that’s sounds suspiciously like “You got this” over and over again. He’s standing on a doormat that reads ‘COME BACK WITH A WARRANT ;)’. He rings the bell.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (softly) You got this you got this you-

[The door opens. It’s Damien – of course, it is. This is the bravery Guillermo had talked about before.]

 **DAMIEN:** (smiling as soon as he sees who it is) Oh, hey there.

[He casually lounges on the door, slipping from time to time. It looks awkward and not at all as sexy and alluring as he tries to be. Guillermo’s face has still gone red as a tomato, though.]

 **DAMIEN:** Didn’t think I’d see you here so soon… (looking towards the camera crew on his front lawn) And with company, too. You didn’t bring General Jealous, and Mister Buzzkill and the others, did you…?

[It takes a second for Guillermo to realize he’s talking about Nandor and the other vampires.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, no. No, it’s just me.

[And the camera crew. Although that goes unsaid.]

 **DAMIEN:** (exhaling) Oh, good. Don’t get me wrong, I like them, it’s just that I… Well, I don’t. Like them. (smiling with the power of a thousand suns) I like you more.

[Guillermo, although delighted to receive the compliment, almost seems unsure of how to proceed after that. Like he always is when someone favors him like this. He chooses to just ignore whatever Damien just insinuated all together.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (quietly) No, it’s j-just… me. On my own. (stuttering) I-I got y-your text…

[Damien looks at him with squinted eyes for a moment, taking him in. He breaks out in a huge, mischievous grin not soon after.]

 **DAMIEN:** Oh, did you? Cool. Cool cool cool. So uhhh… (scratching his head) Will your little film major crew be joining us too? Cuz, you know, I live alone, but I’m sure I’ve got some cool succubus trivia lying around somewhere –

 **GUILLERMO:** N-No. Just me.

 **DAMIEN:** (darkly) Just you, huh?

 **GUILLERMO:** Y-Yes.

[Damien chuckles softly as he opens the door further. It’s almost pitch-black inside as he holds the door for Guillermo so that he will have to walk in extremely close proximity to him. It looks… a little menacing, to be honest. Maybe it’s nothing. It’s most certainly nothing.]

 **DAMIEN:** Well, then. Come on in. I’ve got some paintings I’m sure you’d love to take a closer look at that. You know how I… (looking Guillermo up and down) like to appreciate works of art.

[The flirting is so on the nose it’s almost painfully awkward. Guillermo doesn’t seem to notice the compliment yet again, though, he’s too busy battling with his inner demons, on the threshold of a succubus at 2 in the afternoon.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Y-yes. Jep. Yeah, yeah… Cool. (absentmindedly) Paintings.

 **DAMIEN:** (seductively) I’ve also got all the Silent Hill games on the PS4. Remastered. So, you know… (raising his brows) Come on in, ‘Mo. (smiling softly at Guillermo’s discomfort.) I won’t bite. Too badly.

[Guillermo is contemplating for a few seconds of heavy silence, clenching and unclenching his fists as he looks towards the darkness. As he decides to enter Damien’s humble abode, one foot in, he breathes a sigh. He still looks terribly nervous.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Alright… Okay, alright. (softly, to himself) Here we go…

[Damien, smug as a motherfucker, gives the camera crew on his porch an eyebrow raise paired with a knowing Look. His grin is impossibly wide as he closes the door on Guillermo’s shirt covered back – he’s not wearing a sweater this time. That’s a first.]

[The camera lingers on the closed door for a moment, unsure of what to do or how to proceed. That’s how we also hear the loud noise of a door being locked shut – which is strange. What reason could you possibly have to lock your door?

 **CAMERA 2:** Uhhh… Guys…? Should we… should we wait outside… or…?

[No one answers. One of the camera holders just shrugs.]


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vampire only emergency house meeting. Guillermo is NOT invited. I repeat: VAMPIRES ONLY!!!  
> \- Nandor

[A sign announces that it’s now been a week later and finally all the resident vampires have returned to their coffins – including Nadja and Laszlo, who are sat atop their usual fancy interview chairs, looking tired but happy to be home. Nadja’s hair looks a little disheveled, though the error is barely visible. They’re smiling happily. All signs of a good tour.]

 **LASZLO:** Our tour was fantastic!

 **NADJA:** (nodding feverishly) Amazing. Just magical. (contemplating) I mean… some of it. We ate most of the rude ones.

 **LASZLO:** (chuckling) We sure did. I’ve never been much of a tour snacker, but I have to say… (looking lovingly towards his wife) This lady brings it out in me. And some other things…

 **NADJA:** As I said, my Laszlo is quite talented.

[There’s a commotion somewhere far off into the house. Nadja stops for a minute, then resumes her statement.]

 **NADJA:** But there was one thing I knew – not to leave my donkey shits for roommates alone. And now, look at what they’ve done! (gesticulating wildly around the room) The whole place stinks of succubus!

[Laszlo just shrugs.]

\--

[A flashback of the night before, when Nadja and Laszlo had returned to find themselves hold an emergency house meeting. Nadja is the one out of the two who’s more worked up about the whole thing, staring Nandor down, who for once has resumed a sitting position while she towers over him.]

 **NADJA:** You let a succubus into our house??

[Laszlo has deliberately taken a step back from his wife. He’s wincing in Nandor’s direction.]

 **NANDOR:** It – It wasn’t planned-

 **NADJA:** (scoffing) Pff, not _planned!_ Have you forgotten what they’ve stolen from you? Do you want your semen stolen again, young man?

 **NANDOR:** (quietly) No…

 **NADJA:** No, of course not! Has your stupid man brain forgotten how dangerous they can be? (sighing wistfully) How deliciously dangerous…

[Nandor looks a little confused at the enthusiasm. Nandor and Laszlo exchange glances. Laszlo just shrugs in response.]

\--

[Interlude of an interview, presumably the same one from before, though the camera is fixed on Nadja this time. She almost looks happy reminiscing.]

 **NADJA:** I know how dangerous succubi can be because I had what you would call a … a passionate affair with one. (looking into the distance) It was in 1985… My Laszlo was off doing disco and I… I found myself in the company of one such creature.

[The camera pans back to a confused looking Laszlo.]

 **LASZLO:** Whoa, hold your horses! You had sex with a succubus?

[The camera can’t tell whether that’s jealousy on his face or envy. Either way, Nadja just sighs wistfully in response.]

 **NADJA:** She had lovely, soft hair and … Let’s just say not only did I have sex with her, I had it over… and over… and over again…

 **LASZLO:** (mumbling) Alright, that’s enough.

 **NADJA:** (ignoring his protests) She tickled things out of me I didn’t imagine possible, at my ripe age. It was a summer of self-discovery. And cunnilingus.

[Laszlo groans, thinking this is a jab at him. It might very well be. Nadja just gives him an annoyed look.]

[The camera crew has attached various historical paintings of two female figures hugging, kissing, frolicking in the meadow. There’s even one where two women, dressed in nothing but their voluminous hair, ride on a horse together.]

 **NADJA:** In the end, I became so enthralled in her that nothing else mattered. She treated me like a finely aged wine… or cheese. (contemplating) But then I found out how quick an affair with such beings can backfire. She killed one of our own, a vampire both me and Laszlo grew to respect. Such a fun comedian he was. (sighing)

 **LASZLO:** … You mean Mike?

 **NADJA:** Yes, fucking Mike!

\--

[Back to the present evening house meeting. Nadja is gesticulating wildly.]

 **NADJA:** The more a succubus feeds on a male, the more insatiable they become! They’re all _ohhh_ , nom nom nom nom

[Nadja is very realistically recreating what it looks like for someone to gargle multiple balls. Her housemates look kinda into it.]

 **NADJA:** Until their victims’ balls and dicks just… fall off from the abuse!

[There’s a slideshow of various paintings of naked male figures weeping. In one, a group of women point their fingers at the victim and laugh in a town’s square.]

 **NADJA:** Now, Nandor, would you like your pathetic little manhood to be shriveled up on our carpet? Do you want us to go ‘Ohhh, where’s Nandor?’

[She takes a piece of paper that had laid around, thought the camera can’t tell if something was written on it or not. It looks like one of those sketches Guillermo likes to paint in his free time – a bird. Nadja just takes it in her hands and scrunches it up until it’s a wrinkly little ball. Then she drops it on the floor.]

 **NADJA:** (dramatically) ‘Oh, there he is! Oh no! How sad!’ (imitating Nandor groping his groin) ‘Ouch, ouch, my balls’

[Both Nandor and Laszlo stare at the wrinkled piece of paper in disbelief and shock. There’s pure terror written on their faces.]

 **NANDOR:** Shit.

 **LASZLO:** (mumbling) _Mother_ fucker!

 **NADJA:** Yes! Do you believe me now? The amount of shame it would bring to our household. We would be the laughingstock of the community.

 **LASZLO:** (visibly swallowing in fear) But, my darling… What happened to you…?

 **NADJA:** (waving him off) Oh, women are fine. It’s true. We just have more stamina.

\--

[There’s an interview of the Nadja ghost doll, cackling gleefully.]

 **NADJA DOLL:** Yes, we do.

\--

[Back in the living room, Nandor looks to be in deep thought. Battling with himself.]

 **NANDOR:** It did not visit me, Nadja. It… the fucking guy came for- _Guillermo!_ How long have you been standing there in the corner?

[It’s true, to everyone’s surprise. Guillermo had slept on the floor, head leaning slightly against the wall, seemingly taking a nap. Meditating. Or ‘resting his eyes’. Whichever excuse he can come up with for why he was snoozing there. Nadja, immediately suspicious, starts squinting her eyes. She starts sniffing the air in suspicion while Guillermo tries his best to stand back up, eyes heavy and tired.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Oh, I… (yawning) I can’t remember. I think I… I must have fallen asleep. (blinking rapidly) Were you calling for me?

[Nandor, who looks equally concerned and petrified, quickly backtracks from his earlier statement. His tone resembles that of a chastising mother.]

 **NANDOR:** Well, if you want to take a nap, don’t just do it on the floor like some sort of house cat! I told you, you are not a cat, you will never be one. Now get up from there. (looking at his vampire companions) You scared us to … to death.

[Guillermo, who for his part looks like he hasn’t slept in what feels like a solid month, just takes a sluggish sweep of his surroundings. He blinks, again. Fighting off the fatigue.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Are you sure you weren’t calling for me? I was certain I wanted to do something before…

 **NANDOR:** No! Go back into your closet, Guillermo.

[He looks almost embarrassed to be caught so red-handed. Guillermo just shrugs.]

 **GUILLERMO:** Okay, I guess.

[As he exits the room, very, very slowly, Nadja follows him with her eyes like she’s trying to pierce the information together. The door squeaks a little as he softly pulls it close.]

 **LASZLO:** (mumbling to the camera) What the fuck was that… (to Nandor) Now, old chap, what were you trying to say before?

 **NANDOR:** (quieter) Guillermo!

 **LASZLO:** Yes, yes, we all saw that little jump scare he just performed. Ha ha, very funny. Now, what was that treacherous creature here for –

[Nadja cuts her husband off with a dismissive pointed finger. She pierces Nandor with a death stare.]

 **NADJA:** His groin

 **LASZLO:** What, my darling?

 **NADJA:** His groin, it smells different. It’s … (sniffing dramatically) It’s lost its sad odor. Some of the bitterness is gone – and I can smell male sexual frustration from a mile away.

 **LASZLO:** (to the camera crew, clearly proud) It’s true, she can.

 **NANDOR:** I…

 **NADJA:** (tss) Did you stupid monkeys perform a virginal ritual _without_ me? While I wasn’t there to supervise?? You know how I hate badly planned sacrifices.

[Judging by Nandor’s and Laszlo’s following reaction, virginal sacrifice is both a team sport and a very big deal in this household.]

 **NANDOR:** (exaggerated) No, of course not!

 **NADJA:** Then why does Guillermo reek like that?

[Nandor, clueless as ever, clearly has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. He shrugs mildly.]

 **NANDOR:** Maybe… Maybe he changed his body spray? That Axe thing?

 **NADJA:** No it’s –

[All three of the vampires, although if you were to ask them later on, they would never admit to it, shriek in surprise as someone loudly knocks on the half-opened door. Nadja even honest to God flinched. They all groan in hysterical unison after turning around and spotting the intruder.]

 **NANDOR:** (hissing) Colin fucking Robinson!

[The culprit looks happy as ever, which on Colin Robinson’s face is maybe a 5.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Heya, gang! Nadja, Laszlo, glad you’re back home. How was the tour?

 **NANDOR:** Now is not the time for your draining! We have more important matters to talk about!

[Colin Robinson, his hands innocently placed in the pocket of his khaki pants, obviously can’t notice the bad vibes in the air and decides to fully enter the room, sitting himself down on one of the ten thousand fancy vintage armchairs that are littered all over the house. Or maybe he does notice the stinky eyes he’s being given and decides to engage himself in the drama _because_ of that. It’s probably the latter.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (tss) Gizmo, right? I just saw – felt him leave the room all quiet and demure. What did you, mix some horse tranquilizer in with his coffee?

 **NANDOR:** (scandalized) No! And again, this is none of your business, so if you could –

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Or did Guillermo getting his panties in a bunch get _your_ panties in a bunch, Nandor? You know, you should work on your possessiveness issues. I’ve got a fantastic skillshare course for that –

 **NANDOR:** What? No! No, my… (subtly glancing down at his crotch and then back up again) My panties are very much not in a bunch. My panties are fine.

[Nadja, who remains the most intellectual out of the gang, gasps dramatically as she realizes what is happening here.]

 **NADJA:** Colin Robinson, while I was away, did Guillermo converse with any human-looking strangers? Could one of them have been a succubus?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (snickering) Oh, they did more than _converse_ , alright. Haven’t you noticed the guy’s positively _spent?_

[Nandor starts pointing an accusing finger in Colin Robinson’s direction, who for his part just pretends at looking innocent.]

 **NANDOR:** Enough, I will not have you spread lies and slander about _my_ familiar – and his panties! Do your mischief elsewhere.

 **LASZLO:** (louder) Now, now, as much as all this talk about lingerie has been exciting, I’m noticing a certain hostility in the air here – which has no place in this household unless it’s for kinky purposes.

 **NADJA:** Shut up, all three of you!

[The whole room falls silent. Nadja paces the room, literally putting two and two together with her dramatic and intricate hand gestures in the air. She looks like a woman who’s just found the solution to a very difficult math equation, mumbling to herself a little. This goes on for a little while before she stops, snapping her fingers and exclaiming in excitement.]

 **NADJA:** Aha! I know what has transpired here! Guillermo is being seduced by another creature of the night – a succubus!

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (softly) I would very much put that verb in the past tense there…

 **LASZLO:** My darling, Gizmo? Our Gizmo? How could that be possible? (contemplating) I mean, maybe I would uhhh… ‘swipe right’ on him as the kids say, but. A succubus?

 **NADJA:** You are right, succubi are usually known for their… (smiling slightly) esteemed taste in bedmates. But still, there might have been a lone one of those creatures running about that Guillermo might have taken pity on. It might have been famished; we don’t know.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** ‘It’ is called Damien, actually. And I think he’s a goth or something.

 **LASZLO:** (intrigued) Colin Robinson, have you managed to peek a look at the thing?

[Colin Robinson looks ecstatic to be talked to directly.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh, he came ‘round a while back. He and Guillermo met… You know what, I can’t recall. Book club? They were chatting quite regularly. I talked to him for a little, but I … I don’t remember what we talked about.

[There’s a haunted look in his face as he suddenly remembers the 5 minutes and 37 seconds Damien had told him all about the best sexual positions in excruciating detail, its merits and problems. He resembles a soldier who’s just gotten a flashback to a brutal and traumatizing battle. He remembers the moment very well, staring off into the distance as he is.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** … Nope, can’t remember. (ripping himself out of his train of thought) But like I said, he was nice. For a succubus. Smelled like trouble, though.

[Nadja ‘hmm’s and then rounds her accusing finger on Nandor, who has remained suspiciously quiet during this entire turn of events. He looks as if he’s still puzzling with putting the words ‘Guillermo’ and ‘seduction’ next to each other in his mind.]

 **NADJA:** How could you have let this happen? He’s your familiar.

 **NANDOR:** (sadly) I… I was trying to woo him back… Gave him a keychain and everything…

 **LASZLO:** (exaggerated) What are you talking about, buddy? He’s just a fucking familiar, couldn’t you have just locked him up in our basement and given him food every few weeks? Let him stew in his decision so he knows what he did wrong.

 **NANDOR:** (louder) No! We will not tie up Guillermo!

[Laszlo just groans in annoyance.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (cutting them off) Seems like Damien already saw to that, my dudes.

 **NADJA:** What are you saying?

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (smirking) I’m saying that just before your guys’ return, I saw Guillermo leave in the morning to… run some errands. Looking suspiciously nervous and polished. And then when he returned – _twelve_ hours later, by the way – he felt… different.

 **NADJA:** Different how?

\--

[There’s a flashback to a few days before, Colin Robinson is avidly walking around with his laptop in hand, excited that his latest troll post has garnered so much attention on a website he’s just discovered called reddit. It was something about women not being in the Bible, finished off with a ‘trust me I read the thing’ comment. The responses are flooding in as his blue eyes take it all in.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh, yes… (to the camera crew) Christians are so easy to enrage…

[The door is opened slowly, oh so slowly, bringing with it the pitch-black darkness from outside and an exhausted looking Guillermo. You’d think his first few buttons would be undone, but instead it’s the opposite, they’re buttoned up almost to his chin. Almost as if he’s deliberately trying to cover his neck. The really heavy scarf (which we, the camera crew, would just like to point out have never seen before in our lives) wrapped around it is deepening that suspicion. His hair is all over the place.]

[Guillermo is barely inside and is closing the door as he starts one of his staple shticks these days – a yawn. He doesn’t even try to hide it.]

 **GUILLERMO:** (mumbling) Hey, Col… (yawning) Colin Robin… (more yawning) Hey.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Hey there, Gizmo. (whistling) Jeez, you look like updog.

[Guillermo doesn’t even answer or doesn’t have the chance to before he’s rushing to the floor, slumped as his last energy is taken from him. He even starts snoring a little. Colin Robinson’s eyes look comically wide in confusion – he hadn’t even tried to drain him yet. At least not that badly.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (blinking at the sleeping beauty before him) Uhhhh, guys? Should we… Should we carry him to his bed or something?

[He looks towards the camera crew, who look just as bewildered as him.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Yeah, I don’t wanna tweak the old back either… (looking towards Guillermo) Hmm… I mean… I mean, he’s got his big fluffy scarf under his head. That should count as a pillow, right?

[He keeps looking behind him, presumably in the direction of Guillermo’s room – and his blanket and pillow. Battling with himself whether he should do the right thing for once and either drag him to the mattress or at least make his little nap on the hardwood as comfortable as possible. Colin Robinson almost manages to succeed, walking towards the still very much asleep Guillermo, with the idea of picking him up and carrying him bridal style – when his laptop bings with a notification. In the end, the laptop wins, as he picks up that one instead of the sleeping human before him.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (excitedly) Oh, the evangelicals found my post!

[He starts pacing rapidly again, back towards his room. Leaving Guillermo. It can only be assumed or hoped for, that the camera crew did the decent thing and pitch in where Colin failed.]

[[They didn’t. Absolutely not. Not their payroll.]]

[[[At least Guillermo woke up half an hour later. Still on the floor. With a sore back, though that had been there before his little nap.]]]

\--

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Just… different. (coughing) Because his energy state is so poor at the moment, I’ve decided to avoid him at all costs. We don’t want the poor guy to hit zero batteries. I’m sure we would all be worried terribly.

[He’s lying through his teeth.]

\--

[Another flashback, this time merely an hour or so before the vampires all decided to hold their little gossip meeting in the living room. Guillermo, eyebags somewhat less protruding now that he’s slept a night without interruptions, is cleaning up. A plastic wrapper there (Guillermo’s), a little bloodstain there (not Guillermo’s), dust, that sort of thing. Going about his familiar duties. He’s about to unpack a second chocolate protein bar, presumably to get some of his strength back and not fall asleep on his feet.]

[Colin Robinson has zoned in on the latter fact like a snake. Does the guy like the blandness of protein bars this much? Who knows. He slowly walks into the room.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Heyo, cowboy, how’s it-

[He doesn’t even have to finish his sentence before Guillermo drops dead, in the same position we will find him in a little later. It looks like Guillermo’s neck is going to protest the worst after this is done. Colin Robinson just smiles mischievously into the camera.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (pointing towards the chocolate bar) Don’t mind if I do!

[He snatches the half-opened protein bar from Guillermo’s grasp without even having the decency to readjust Guillermo’s head so it’s less painful.]

\--

[Back to reality, the bar wrapper can be seen stuffed into Colin Robinson’s back pocket. He coughs loudly.]

 **NANDOR:** (warmly) Oh, Colin Robinson, that is very thoughtful of you. Thank you.

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** Oh, you know me. I do what I can.

[Nadja just watches their conversation with barely disguised contempt. Laszlo is more concerned with another part of that story.]

 **LASZLO:** I’m sorry, but did I hear that correctly? The lad was off… frolicking… with that succubus… for _twelve_ hours?

[Colin Robinson nods in affirmation.]

 **LASZLO:** (whistling) The balls on that man. Good for him – _ow_

[Nadja has forcibly connected her left heel with Laszlo’s kneecap. None so gently. Nandor also looks like he wants to protest.]

 **NANDOR:** You think Guillermo… _my_ familiar… Would have sexual intercourse… for twelve hours? (scoffing) You’re joking. Look at him. He has some of the most virginal, repressed catholic scents I’ve ever smelled. Maybe they were… watching a motion picture.

[Both Nadja & Laszlo ‘hmm’ in agreement. Colin Robinson doesn’t look convinced.]

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (raising his fine brows) I’m sorry, have you asked him? Have you bothered to ask _your familiar_ what he’s been up to during those hours or – or are you speaking from personal experience, Nandor?

[Nandor falls silent at that. Laszlo, noisy as ever, leans to his side and looks at the vampire he still has an on and off again FWB housemate situation going on and mouths ‘did you…?’ in his direction.]

 **NANDOR:** Guillermo is my familiar!

 **LASZLO:** Yeah, that still doesn’t answer my question, buddy.

 **NANDOR:** … He’s a human!

 **LASZLO:** (shrugging) Hey, interracial flings can be fun if you –

 **NANDOR:** (louder) _No._

[Laszlo just shrugs and mumbles ‘alright, your loss’ in the face of Nandor’s anger at being insinuated to be sleeping with his familiar. His familiar who is now sleeping with someone else. Someone who, as said before, could kill him.]

[The camera crew is a little skeeved out about that latter fact.]

 **CAMERA 2:** (coughing) Uhh, guys? Isn’t… Is Guillermo going to die?

[There’s a multitude of answers from the vampires. None of them very reassuring.]

 **NANDOR:** No!

 **COLIN ROBINSON:** (shrugging) Ehhh, it’s sort of unclear at the moment.

 **NADJA:** Maybe… Maybe not.

 **LASZLO:** What a way to go, though…

[A scandalized Nandor rounds on Laszlo next to him.]

 **NANDOR:** (growling) No.

[Laszlo just throws his hands up in mock surrender.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author‘s note: please let’s remember that these vampires possess -10 braincells and that this is a comedy


End file.
